we called him daddy...

His life was full, and far too short. He overcame so many things and thought he was so far away. He was the first to give you the shirt off his back and always the last one to the table. You can look back on his short 37 years and think of all good times, and remember his smile. He struggled with health issues from child hood. Jeff had poorly feet, he use to tell me about all his casts and crutches, and how someone bullied him for his walkman, and how with his cast and crutches on he didn't let any bully take anything, I am sure he lumped that guy. He wouldn't let anyone else be bullied either. When we talked to Tanner about bullying, Jeff shared a story about how kids bullied his best friend Jeff for being different, and they tripped little Jeff, and Jeff lumped them. One of many trips to the principals office. When Jeff and I first started dating, his birthday came around quickly. Chinese food dinner and always a story about how he would go ice fishing as a kid with Brian, Helen and Jenny and their friends, Helen would always ask Jeff "want to go ice fishing?" And jeff would always laugh and say no. Not his favorite thing. When we were married there were stories told about a skate throwing incident. Apparently Jeff threw a skate a Jenny many moons ago. It wasn't until last year, Jeff would ever admit he did that.
Jeff loved video games. I think through out his life he had every system going, and I can honestly say, he kept every single box. When we moved to our house, he had his original nintendo cart, the thing held games and your tv, and it was broke in the move and he was devestated. Just when you think no one could love video games more, along comes Tanner.
Jeff loved his children. Tanner and Addison were the loves of his life, and he was theirs. On a Saturday morning, if Jeff slept in, they would cringe if I walked down the stairs first. Because if it was Daddy, they knew they could talk him into junk for breakfast and video games. He was always playing hockey with them, road, ice, and hallway hockey... Last goal wins... How many times I heard that in his life I can't tell you, but it was said everytime they played. They are sure going to miss their daddy.
Jeff did the best impressions of his dad. And he always wanted to please his parents. He loved them dearly. How many times he would call them, and just call to see what was going on. Not many days went by that he didn't know what was going on in their household. When I was pregnant with Tanner, Jeff's parents built a deck on their house, after many years of not having one. Jeff went out and helped his dad and uncle Donnie. It was July and hot, Donnie and Brian would have no shirt on, and there Jeff would be sweatting buckets. Wouldn't take his shirt off, so driving home I asked why don't you take your shirt off, he said, dad doesn't know I have a tattoo. So, a couple of years later, Jeff had back surgery, and as they moved him into his hospital bed, it was kind of hard not to see his tattoo. We left the hospital to get dinner, and beside the restaurant was a tattoo shop, and jeff's dad just looked at us and said Jeff can get the other arm done there... Jeff laughed when we told him the story.
When you think of Jeff, remember his infectious smile, his harty laugh, his good heart. Think of his children, and how he will live on through them. As hard as it is to say good bye, we will. But we know its not a real good bye, its only see you later. As Tanner and Addison grow up, I hope everyone shares positive memories of Jeff with them, they need those memories because a big whole will be in their hearts, as there is a big hole in all of our hearts.

glenn with two n's

Ever had a friend you knew your entire life? I have a few. When I was a kid, I would go to Magnetawan with my nan and pop to visit my cousins, but I always played with my friend Glenn. Now Glenn wasn't very tall, but he was larger then life! All of the bad things I learned, he taught me! Haha! He taught me to spit all over my best dress! He showed me how to refill my parent liquor cabinet with water after drinking their booze. He also, in his funny way, taught me that being yourself is good. I hadn't seen him in about 4 years when I ran into him. He was with his little daughter, what a beauty. We talked and laughed and it was like old times, only Phinney lost his potty mouth. Once he went home, we chatted nearly everyday online. How I enjoyed waking up to his late night rants about prostituting seniors and hams at the IGA. And then as if a rug had been pulled out from under me, he was gone. Died two years ago at 38. I have to admit I think of him all the time. Today would have been his 40th birthday, and I hope you, Glenn with 2 n's, have a harem of women, a bottle of whiskey, and a smokin fast car. Although you could be crude, you were one of the most caring men I ever met! I never did send u the bill for my dress, and at midnight after a few vodkas, I will hide the bottle under my bed, just as you taught me, because I have made it a tradition since you have been gone. Miss you terribly, signed your not so ugly or fat friend... Xxoo!

guess I just never realized...

What a wonderful weekend! Wow! For so long I never realized what it is like to be someone's priority, let alone the top of their priority list! Now, some of you think I am just trying to brag, and most of you who know me, know I am truly not.

My older sister asked me when I would come for a visit, my dad had been asking, my baby sister too. So we decided this was the weekend. I also thought what better a weekend for Dean to be inducted into the family. Also, its my birthday Tuesday, so it felt like a weekend away! I had been super stressed about Dean meeting my dad. Anyone who knows my dad, knows he is the sweetest guy and you have to take him with a grain of salt. I had prepared him for the worst, and prayed for the best. I, for lack of better terms, am a redneck. Meet my dad once you will know. Well, they got along great! He met everyone and they all liked him. But what's not to like? Why was I nervous about it? Sometimes we put pressure on ourselves for no reason, and when we do that, we put pressure on others too.

I honestly can say, this was the best birthday weekend I have ever had. Dean went out of his way to go away, meet my family, and make sure I enjoyed myself. That is unconditional love... Now if I can just get over the anxiety of getting older.

kinda sad in today's society...

I know lately when I have blogged I am not talking about my healthier lifestyle. I like to blog lately about my opinions. It just seems so many things have been going on lately, but I promise by weeks end, healthy lifestyle blog coming up!

I had been reading on everyone's facebook about a little girl from Huntsville who had committed suicide because she had been bullied. How sad is this! What are we teaching our children? I remember when Tanner was a wee guy starting school and he was maybe 4, and his friend Trevor looked different. First year, Tanner didn't notice, second year either. By the third year Trevor was in a different class room. Tanner came home and said that some boys in his class were calling Trevor retarded. I said to Tanner, sure hope you weren't. I also explained to Tanner that everyone is different. A little tick, a big tick. We all march to the beat of our own drummer. About two weeks later, I get a call from the principal asking if I could come to the school and pick Tanner up, he was being sent home for fighting. When I got to the school, there was my boy upset, sad and being told he shouldn't have had a hands on incident at school. I take him out to the car and he is full out sobbing. I wasn't giving him trouble, I asked what happened. Tanner admitted that a grade 7 lunch helper had called is friend retarded! He also said, that he had talked to the teacher after first lunch break about it. But by second lunch break the same lunch helper was making fun of both of the boys and finally Tanner saw red and snapped! He said "Mom if Trev is retarded so am I!". I walked back into the school with my upset boy and spoke to the principal. I asked her if she had looked into any of what he said. She said that the lunch helper had said they were miss behaving and that Tanner beat him up. So I got Tanner to tell her what happened. Wow, things changed a bit... What is it going to take! I was bullied for years because of my size. I felt like a social outcast. And it amazes me, sometimes when I run into people now, how they act like because I am smaller, we were best friends when I was a kid... You tortured the hell out of me! Made me feel less then I truly was! I know we are all guilty of it at times, but that is something I truly try to teach my kids... UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!

My heart goes out to this family. I read on someone's facebook that the bullies need to be prosecuted. I agree, I also think not only the bullies, but their family should have to be counselled!!!! It is such a terrible thing in today's society to have all this hatred running rapid! Today I am going kiss my kids and tell them its ok everyone is different, and then I am going to do what I can to protect them from the bullies out there... Once a mama bear, always a mama bear!

quiet year... ya right...

Well, tis the season! Break out the good dishes and the Visa! This year has been a bit crazy for me. I remember going out for dinner at the Mandarin in January and reading for my birth year this was going to be a quiet, relaxing year. Whoever wrote that was wrong! Now, I can look at 2011 as the year my life crumble or the year that I was reborn... I think I will choose the latter.

2011 had a lot of ups and downs, positives and negatives. But, did I learn from the negatives? YES! Did the positives outshine the negatives? YES! Would I change 2011? NO, well maybe the broken foot thing! HA! This was the year I learned to love myself, no matter what shape or size. This was the year I learned to look fear in the eye and take the next step forward. This was year that I learned that the only person in life I had to please was myself. This was year that I began teaching my children the same things. One year ago at this time, I was a shattered sole, didn't know which way was up and didn't know how to love myself. All of that has changed. I read inspiration sayings and quotes everyday, one that I carry with me is about how God answers prayers, it may not be what we want, but it is what we need. How true is that? For me it was very true. We always want a bigger house, new car, etc, in the end it is all material. I want to live happily, love my children and family, explore. Not be bogged down with the other junk...
2011, One hell of year... At first, I had wished it would just end, now it will be a year I will never be able to forget!

It's beginning to look a lot like....

Well its another crazy week ahead. Last week was crazy, this week is crazy! Welcome to the Christmas season! Yes, I did in fact say Christmas! Now, I am not trying to impose my beliefs on anyone, I am a Christmas person. If you are not, Happy Quanza, hannuakah, whatever you celebrate. I will not be saying Happy Holidays. I will be saying Merry Christmas. In return, if you celebrate a different holiday and you wish me a Happy Quanza it is all good by me. I think we celebrate what we believe. And in doing that, it shouldn't offend anyone. I love everyone equally, doesn't matter what your holiday is! I think that people need to really remember what this time of year is about, it is about loving, giving, sharing, enjoying... As my 10 year old says, Jesus is the reason for the season... And that works in our household, enjoy whatever holiday that works in yours!

courage is not for the faint at heart...

This is a blog I have wanted to write for a few weeks. A few weeks ago marked the anniversary of the death of one of the finest creatures I have ever had the opportunity to meet. The way we met was crazy. Imagine walking to a hospital at pivitol time in your life, trying to make big decisions about which path to take in life, and here is this vibrant man, in his 20's, dying of cancer, fighting for his life and knowing everything he has tried to do to survive has failed and his time is ending. Walking into his room, I say hello, and I am mistaken for his nurse, and then I sit and talk with him and realizes I am a friend of his sister and brother in law. And he asks what I am doing there, which seems so unimportant, and I can't answer because my problems seem so small. I ask how he is, and frustrated he says, "how the fuck would you feel if you were dying?". I couldn't answer. We talked about the weather and we joked about the heat. He said the upside of being in the hospital is the air conditioning is blast in his room in the heat! As I leave his room, I said can I visit tomorrow? He replied "why would you want to? But if u must, go a head." Over the next couple of weeks, I visited everyday, and the stress of my life wasn't as important as it once was. We laughed and joked, and then one afternoon he asked if everyone would forget him? I have to admit, I was emotional by this question. And I said his smile would live on forever in his neices, his stories would live forever in his friends and family, his love would live on forever in his sister and his parents, and what he had done for me, how could I ever forget him... I think some of the things we worry about in life are trivial. One of the biggest things I took away from him was live your life happily, because you never know when its going to be over. Also, his positive spirit! Last night when I went for a walk, I sat at the lakeshore on a rock and marvelled at the wonder all around me. The geese, the fresh crisp air... I am never going to let a day go past me where I don't thank my lucky stars for all of the positive blessings in my life. Bob, I will never ever forget you, our friendship was short, but educational. Sorry so long to write this...