Spot the difference...

 Photo done by Sweet Peas Photography!
Thanks Dy and Stace!

a bottle of wine and a new sucker inner... good to go...

So today is that day! I am attending a wedding with a friend. In the past few weeks I have had to climb out of my shopping comfort zone, Pennigtons, and drag myself to the mall. I have said in previous blogs about all of my anxiety about shopping and so fourth, but today is the calmination of my mall shopping. Now, no worries, I will be posting pictures this week some time. it is just putting it all together. Crazy as it seems, now I am excited. I have worked hard to get here. Small and large steps. Today I am going to treat myself to a glass of wine and put on some of the sexiest clothes I have ever owned and I am going to be proud, hold my head high and strut my stuff! enjoy this beautiful Saturday!

Happy Thanksgiving....

Well its that time of year again! Break out the fancy dishes and the biggest turkey you can find! Just kidding! Thanksgiving has come upon us again, and it seemed rather quickly for me this year! So what are your family traditions? In years past, I have always marvelled my family with huge turkey dinner, homemade pies and buns, and an assortment of snacks. This year it will be different. The kids are going to their Dad's to celebrate, and I am going to attend a wedding and enjoy an evening with friends. Something I also love to do, is a typical Sunday drive on SUNDAY to check out all the changing leaves. Yes, I am a sentimental sap. I think of last Thanksgiving, spending at my Dad's with 40 other people and revelling is how thankful I was to be there. To enjoy their company and have my extended family around me. That is what I am truly thankful for, is my family. The love and support never fades. We sometimes don't see eye to eye, but we are always there for one another when we need to be. I watch my children get along and fight, and I see how they love each other. When one is not feeling well the other feels for them. This tells me I am on the right track! They are the biggest thing I am thankful for! Something else I am thankful for, finding myself. Not that I was lost, but I felt that I was. Finding myself was beneficial for me, but for my children.
I have received lots of messages in the past week! I love reading them, and I am horrible to respond (Sorry!)! I would like to say, these are the messages that inspire me. These message start with you are inspiring, and then it is there story. I find the stories you are sending me about yourself that are amazing. These life stories are what help others move forward. Even though it seems as though your at lowest depths when your writing your message it is a window for you to be able to express yourself, and release what is happening or bothering you. Thank you and keep on sending them!!!
There are so many things to be thankful for! Life is all around us, so enjoy the beautiful weekend in store and hold your family closer this weekend! Also CONGRATS to Scotty and Jenn! What a wonderful weekend to begin your life together!

I kinda think I look different...

Sometimes it doesn't matter how many times you see yourself, you still can't believe it is you. I have been grappling with that for months.When I fold my laundry, I see smaller clothes. When I am doing my hair, I think who is that. I remember when Oprah had people who had gastric bypass on her show. I remember listening to their stories and their stories inspiring me to make changes. But I also remember the one lady saying, how crazy it was for her to see herself smaller. I completely get it now. I thought I had a good handle on my transformation, and for the most part I do. But sometimes I still look for the fat girl. I don't mean to offend anyone with that statement, but for years that is how I felt. Now I just feel different. For the most part I feel confident, but sometimes I still think is this really me and when do I start gaining the weight back? I know that with the changes I have made I will always work hard to keep my hard work up, but I still sometimes have a problem with body image. I am looking to having the skin removed. I think one of the biggest motivators for that is that the excess skin still makes me feel heavy. I know the realistics of it, I know I am not, but seeing that in the mirror everyday makes me feel like what did I work for? It shouldn't, but it does! One of the best things about doing all of this is how I feel! For those of you that know me, I had an incredible amount of energy before. But now, I seem to have more!

I think that the best part of life is learning to deal with transformations, in any shape and size, for they change you for the good or bad, and make you who you are! Happy Thursday!

Acceptance...

What a crazy week so far! Aside from the rain that is suppose to happen, I think this week is shaping up to be a good one! Worked a double shift on Sunday, and had Monday and Tuesday off, go back and work 3 and have a weekend off to go up north and visit family and friends! Looking forward to a photo shoot with my favorite doll! So I should be posting some new before and after pictures right after Thanksgiving!

Over the weekend, I recieved a message from a family member, not a positive message is all I will say. I have said this several times that I am not willing to discuss my marriage or seperation any longer. I have not a bit of anamosity towards Jeff, I wish him well. We are becoming good friends and looking for a new path to raise our children. But something that I took offence to, was the fact that I was called a wanna be member of my dad's family. So, lets put this out there. I didn't know that my father wasn't my biological father until I was 26. My family thought it was best that I didn't know. I have done a lot of work to put that past me. I have chosen not to know who my biological father is for several different reasons. Biggest is, I have two super great dads! My dad and my step dad. The other is because it doesn't define who I am in life. I am not a wanna be member of anyones family. I accept people for who they are. I have also worked very hard to lose my judgemental componet when it comes to people. When I say I made a lifestyle change a year ago, I mean a holistic life style change. I want to be a better person, mind, body and soul. It was a big step for me. It is sometimes easier to stay in that dark place and never move forward. But I choose not to. Life is too short! So for that person that said that, that is your opinon, I can't change it and nor do I want to. What I can do thou is move forward and move past. I love my dad, and if that makes me a redneck hillbilly, so be it. You get one kick at the can in this life and I am going to take it. I am going to be more accepting, more tolerant, more loving... Happy Tuesday all!

As things some times happen...

I have had the day from hell it seems! I remember when I was a kid my Pop use to say, when things happen as the sometimes will, when life's road takes you down a really big hill... Now this is a PG rated blog so I won't finish the statement. But sometimes it feels as positive as I try to be things keep happening. I take two steps forward and seven back! Now, maybe its because it is dreary and rainy outside, but it just seems to be the way! I never ever thought I was superstitious, but I guess I am! My phone broke today, so had to take it for repairs. That isn't so bad, but then I realized all of my contacts are still in it, so I can't get a hold of anyone! I went to pick up some meat for dinner and realized Hovey's (my favorite butcher) is closed. And then I went to work, and my mom called me because she is sick with the flu. So after speaking with my boss, I punched out and headed home. What a waste. Already for work, drove all the way there, only not to work. Which is too bad, because I love my job! So since all of these things have happened today, I have tried to see the positive side of all of it. The positive side is, I am spending the evening with my wonderful children! That is if I can pry those WII remotes out of their hands! Enjoy your evening everyone!

It was a long hiatus...

Good morning all! It has been a long time since I have blogged and so much has happened in the past eight weeks! Well I just want to start out by saying, I can't believe how many people read my blog! I guess I just didn't realize how many people are routing me on! For that, I just want to say THANK YOU! I took a short break from my blog, because there were some negative things going on my life. I didn't want to write negative blogs for little eyes to see or for me to reread at a later time. Sometimes it is bad enough to have the negative memories, but to write them down and reread them is just a constant reminder. My life focus is positive, and I want it to remain that way, especially when it comes to my children.

So since my last real blog, I am down more weight! I am now in the 190's, 194 to be exact! So 44 pounds to go and I will be at my final goal! How crazy is that! It seems to have went by so fast. I have also taking up a new activity, speedwalking/jogging. I am up to about 6 km. I try to do it as much as possible! I didn't realize how much I enjoy it. When I was younger, I use to walk every evening when I lived in Sundridge. I had a specific route. I walked every evening, listened to music and cleared my head. Walking is one of secret pleasures I guess. It is something I do alone, I get lost in the music I downloaded to my blackberry and just have some me time. I have always been so dedicated to my family and work life, I kind of forgot all about myself. Even something so small as a walk gives me that little bit of me time that I need. We all need a little bit of me time! I have also went back to work! What a transition! I didn't realize how much I relied on my organization skills! I also would like to take the time right now to thank my MOTHER! She has made my life so much easier right now! I work afternoon shift, and I am unsure how long it will take to get to a day shift. My mom takes care of my kids in the evenings, this helps me because I know they are having a great dinner, and they are sleeping in their own beds. With out my mother, they would have had to go to daycare or I would have had to quit my job, so for that I am truly thankful! It has been a crazy transition back to work. I have been off for a while, so it is crazy having to report to work everyday, since I have been able to live the life of Riley for a while! The pay wasn't up to snuff, but the time with my children was amazing! Something money could never buy!

It seems hard to believe that all the changes in my life began a year ago September 1st. My entire lifestyle and life changed. A year ago, I weighed 347 pounds, found myself in such a rut emotionally and physically! I had to make changes not only for my family but for me. Once I started making those changes life started to get better! Some of the craziest feelings about my weight loss has happened more recently thou. One of them was buying clothes. I am having a hard time grasping that I can shop anywhere now. I have only ever been able to shop through the Sears catalogue, which I haven't been able to do in years, or Penningtons. So I needed to purchase a cocktail dress so I can attend a wedding with a friend. I had no idea where to even go to buy a dress. I have to say I felt a lot of anxiety about looking at these dresses. I didn't know what size I was really, and sometimes it hard not to still see yourself as that larger person. So looking at these smaller dresses I think, these are my problem spots, or this will never cover everything, then I try them on and I find myself standing there in disbelief! I also have been able to purchase my first pair of name brand jeans! And that was a something big for me. Size 14! So then I do laundry and I fold up my clothes and I find myself wondering "who's clothes are those?". It seems so funny to fold such small clothes. My clothes have always been large. So sometimes it is hard to do laundry or to see my clothes in the closet. I did keep my ketchup tshirt and I wear it running. Most of my bigger clothes are gone, but I kept a couple of things to remind me.

I took my kids to the Sundridge fair this weekend. My old stomping grounds! I go every year. It was crazy seeing people I haven't really seen in a year! But what was crazier were the amount of people that didn't recognize me! My own Aunts and Uncles didn't know who I was! How funny is that! I ran into people that I hadn't seen in years. It is funny how when you run into these people you miss your old life! I love living in Barrie, but yesterday, I missed living in Sundridge! I missed the small town life! Even catching up with girls from school, I realized how much I missed my friends from there! I have decided that I need to make a more of an effort to reconnect with my past life to make my real life balanced! I wanted to go to the cemetery and visit my grandparents, but I honestly couldn't do it. It was hard enough driving by the house. My grandmother's death is something that still rattles me to this day. Still have nightmares about it. Sometimes I think that is why I avoid going up north. My son said yesterday how much he would love to live in Sundridge. In thinking about it, if I could get a job, where I would make the same money, it wouldn't be out of the realm of possibility. He said he liked that you didn't have to look over shoulder to walk around, or that you didn't need to walk around with a cell phone because you know everyone. Not that I am seriously considering a move, but isn't funny how my little man can pick up on the lifestyle difference!

I am not going to promise to blog everyday, but I won't be taking another long hiatus if I don't have to! Thanks to everyone who made wonderful comments and have been an encouragement in my life! You have no idea what you have done, but its been all good!