Back Burner...

For literal years I have put myself on the back burner.  I never really realized how it has effected me, until a little while ago.  Every now and again, I would get my hair done, go out with the girls.  But never realized how when big things happen in my life, I just go numb and do what I need to do to get through.  How many people do that.  The ones that don't have a breakdown, addictions, etc.  I have been numb for so long I just didn't realize.  I think as the numbing began to wear off, I began to feel lost, out of control, physically ill.  I then began cucooning back into this numbing effect.  I didn't drink, or induldge in drugs, emotionally eat, I just didn't deal.  There are millons of people in this world that don't deal, just look at George Bush!  So recently I decided I can't get through life being numb.  I am worth more then that, I deserve more then that.  I am so worried about my family that I then forget about myself.  I use to think my 5 min morning shower was my mental sebatical.  Truth is, it wasn't.  I was still worrying about bills, kids, cars, work.  I didn't have a release.  Everything had a purpose.  So I decided to see a therapist.  She said something to me today, and by George she was right.  What if I took at least 30 mins to myself, consistantly every day.  Whether it be a hot bath, reading, writing my blog.  Just 30 mins when I could leave my worries behind me.  I had planned on starting this tonight.  I didn't.  But tomorrow, I have an entire day to myself.  Kids are at school, hubby will be at work.  I may clean or read, but what I do I am not going to consume myself with the things that have been consuming me.  I will deal with them one by one.  But, for one day, I am going to do what I would like.  It is Wednesday, maybe I will pick the winning Lotto 649 numbers :)

The things that accumlate under our stairs!

With my surgery and Christmas fast approaching, we decided to clean out and purge some things.  So when we bought our house six years ago, things we couldn't figure out we just put them under the stairs. So today, we cleaned it all out.  Holy cats! My husband is obsessed with boxes.  If we have purchased anything electronic that came in a box, it is under the stairs.  PS3, wii, personal Dvd players, all of these boxes. So I look at my husband and say...Well what do you think? We have had these things for years can we get rid of the boxes?  He did get rid of the boxes, but really didn't want to.  Even our old VCR, that was my grandmother's, that doesn't work properly, he wanted to keep.  Needless to say we got rid of 5 boxes of things to good will, and a full paper recycling bin and 3 garbage bags.  It felt good to get rid of the crap we no longer need!  My husband is in fact a pack rat, so he had a hard time with it.  But after a couple hours, he was much more excited to purge then I was!

Positive things in my life

What would you do with out your friends?

What would you do with out your friends? I find myself lately asking that question.  I have had a lot of challenges bestowed upon me this year, whether intentional or unintentional.  I keep thinking god only gives us what we can handle.  OK, I am ready to give! If it wasn't for my close friends, I am not sure where I would be.  Through out the past few months I have had some great words said to me, and some words I didn't want to hear.  The point is wanted or not, I have listened, and made attempts to make small changes.  Changes that effect my life in a positive way.  The best part is, in my circle of friends, I haven't gotten constructive criticism unless I have asked for it. Which I have asked for.  Accepting what they say, and using it positively has made my struggle easier.  Some people in this world have no concern for human kind, wearing blinders, thinking they are always right, unaware of who they are hurting. To those people I feel sorry for. Almost pity.  If they could open their heart and learn to be accepting of others life would be easier. Those people seem to get the best of us.  I am going to motivate myself today to accept them for who they are, and not let them bring me down.  I would also like to say to my friends, THANK YOU for letting me bend your ear, and making me realize if you let the negative get you down, you stay down!

Trying to change my children's way of thinking!

This is a huge test to my patience.  I have always been happy my kids are five years apart in age.  But in the past 6 months, I have wishing they are closer in age! It is almost like they don't have anything in common.  One is hitting the other, or tattling, or biting!!!! AHHHHHH!  So we have decided the naughty step isn't working.  So we have began standing the kids in a corner.  We will see how it works.  My kids are definatly not liking it.  They are also not liking to tv! This could be harder on the parents then the kids...I will let you know how we make out!

Ending the day on a positive note :)

Most times I got to bed, and I just feel absolutely exhausted.  Sometimes, I don't kiss my husband good night, and I go directly to sleep.  Come on, be serious, we are all guilty of this one time or another.  When I was growing up, I remember a friend of my grandfather's passed away and he went to the funeral.  The funeral was 5 hours away from our home, and he had said he would be staying with his friends.  Well, a few weeks later the visa statement came in and he had stayed in a motel.  He made serveral attempts to explain, which she would completly ignored. This went on from May right through until Christmas.  They didn't sleep in the same room.  I thought wow, even speaking about money to pay bills, he just went and paid them.  I didn't understand her anger, I couldn't figure out why she was so angry.  Later, while being married I could see both sides.  What he was trying to get out, the words she wouldn't let him say, was they had a houseful and didn't want to be an imposition. He wanted her to know that he spent every waking moment with his friends though, just their house a full of people. The reason she was so angry was not being told the truth.  For them to actually make up, the friend, who he was visiting passed away. Ironically enough they stayed at the same motel where He had stayed 5 months before. Even her birthday present wasn't opened until December.  The reason I tell you this story, is a year later my Pop developed cancer in May.  Spread like wild fire, and died a month from the day of his diagnosis. All of those months could be living and loving.  Anger is an ugly fasit in a realationship. I am not suggesting you should never get angry, but what I am saying fight about what actually matters. Let the little stuff go, because in the end all we have is the time we have together.  Accept some short comings.  I can remember hearing, I am looking for Mr. Right...Mr. Right now was a dud, now you have Mr. Right, accept him as he is, and love him.  One good night kiss could save the world! Your World!

Setting goals...

We all set goals for our self, the problem is they are usually huge!  Like for me I have always said I want to be a size 8.  The realism is, I set myself up for a fall.  Most people go for the big goal first instead of starting with baby steps.  Recently my husband had to make several changes in his life.  He set big goals, and he was disappointed that these goals weren't quickly being realized.  When we talked about it, I asked why such drastic changes so fast.  He didn't really know how to respond.  He said he this was what he wanted to achieve, like an end result.  So I said I was trying something different, if I utimately wanted to lose 75lbs I needed to start small. So I am going to say the big goal is 75, but I am going to start with 7.5.  10 percent. sounds small, but it enough to get you started.  Once you reach that goal you feel like this achieveable.  Like you can do it.  Start small and work up.  So we are trying it with our children.  We are trying to teach the kids to start with little goals, lead up to something bigger.  If we start small and the bigger picture happens, wonder how fantasic you will feel....

Things I have given up!

As my family and friends know, I am having laporscopic gastric bipass surgery in early January.  There are a lot of changes that I have been making slowly. There are so many things that will change once the surgery takes place, changes that I am trying to put in place now.  I am not a big drinker, but after the surgery I will be a half a drink drunk! Sure beats the 2 drink drunk I am now.  I think one of the biggest changes I am going to have to make is drinking pop.  Since I was a kid, I couldn't wait for the weekends.  I was never allowed to drink pop during the week, but on Friday night, it was pop and chip night!  I can remember when pop was on sale for $2.99 a month before christmas and my nan would by 10-15 cases, so we had enough to get through the holidays!  My husband has given up pop for several months, but replaced pop with coffee.  Which is better?  So, although I have entitle this blog, the things I have given up, it is really the things I am changing.  I think that these changes will make for a huge reward in the end!

oh how my boy makes me feel old!!

So two weeks ago, my son asked if we could take his girlfriend out for dinner and bowling.  He referred to it as a double date.  I said it was a family outing with a friend, he said it was a double date with an Addison!  Any how, my son was a perfect gentleman! Opening doors, pulling out chairs, hanging her coat!  Before we went out for dinner, we were here at our house, and I offered Becky a drink, she said no thanks Mrs. Money, Tanner said, I'll take a coke! She told Tanner to mind his manners!!!! I thought wow what a kid! Did I also mention she is a red head?  Anyhow, she is a great kid!  Mannerly, nice, even gets a long with Addison.  So on Friday Tanner came home and said he was dumping her.  I asked why he was going to dump her, and he said she was mad at him because of a prank played at school and that it wasn't him.  I said, why would you just dump her?  Isn't she your friend? He responded, Yes.  I reminded him that he wouldn't do that to one of his friends, and he agreed.  So he called her up, they talked about it and low and behold guess who came for dinner tonight after the Santa Claus parade.  On the way home in our car, it was just our family, and Tanner said he was happy he talked to Becky, he didn't want to lose her!  He asked if I ever thought of dumping Daddy?  I said that sometimes we all think things need to end, but when you look at the bigger picture, if something makes you happy more then it makes you unhappy then you need to work hard to make it work. 

Becky went home, and Tanner and her hugged at the door.  Once he came home he asked how old he to be to kiss her.  My response 50!  But that is a whole other blog!

Stress...

Well it is that time of year again, the holidays! How stressed are you? We are, in this house, feeling stressed to the max. Financial, emotional STRESS! It is so hard to be honest in our Canadian homeland.  I look around and see all how some of the people we know live.  We have a friend, this friend has been married for the past 10 years. The husband makes $30+ an hour and she works full time as well.  This friend has two children. He (the husband) has not filed a tax return in 10 years, and she has been filing single for the past 10 years. So she has been recieving a high child tax credit, gst credit, etc. So through this past year we have struggled, STRUGGLED!  Sometimes the pressure seems insermountable!  I have to say, there have been times where I think, lets just move and change our names!  But, from this incredible stress comes the knowledge of learning to deal. Now, mind you, it seems as though one mess gets cleaned up, the next mess begins, but we are continuing to learn from all of our issues.  A wise woman (my nan) once told me, God only gives you what you can handle.  It is infact the truth. We sometimes want throw in the towel, but when we do, we learn the easy way.  Just isn't the right lesson to be taught. I am sure one day my friends will learn their lesson, and who am I to judge?

aahhhhhhccccchhhhoooo!

So tonight I have been laying in bed, literally since last night, I feel aweful! Like a buckley's commercial aweful! I answer a phone call, it was my cousin.  I hadn't talk to her for a bit.  She was venting.  Family issues! Anyhow, I had to laugh! My aunt is claiming she is native and went so far as to get a status card.  There isn't any native blood in my gene pool!  I couldn't believe someone is so desperate as to apply for a status card.  Makes me completely angry!  So to confirm that we are not of native status, I called my 85 year old aunt! We had quite a giggle! IF someone showered they wouldn't look native!!! Which brings me back to one of two things. One, when I was a kid I visited my aunt in Toronto, ended up getting a horrible cold and she chased me around her house to rub this crappy smelling lintament on my chest! At the time I thought I was being tortured, but the next day I felt so much better.  Clearly she knew something I didn't.  Thanks Aunt Sybil!  The second thing I wanted to touch on, is why is it that people feel that need to tell stories. They tell so many lies that they start believing them.  Wonder why some of us have nothing to do with them?

Sick in Bed!

My family and I were away this weekend visiting my dad. I had a brainwave idea to sleep in the trailer at my dad's house, thought it would be fun! Now everyone in this house is sick!!!!  I am not really an outdoorsy kinda girl, but I am attempting to make some changes in my life! Any how, my daughter and son have both been sick as well as my husband. I thought, oh well I guess I beat it! yahoo! WRONG! I have never been more thankful for my husband today! Bringing me tea and toast in bed, attempting to keep the kids quiet so I can sleep.  I also know that this is not his forte.  He is doing this so I get feeling better so I can get back to being mommy/wife.  Alot of this have transpired in the past year, but if this does anything for anyone, I hope that he reads this and sees that I truly appreciate how he is making positive changes as a husband and a father.  He has had a lot to overcome, and he is teaching me day by day that life is a struggle, and if we attempt positive change the limits are endless! Thanks Jeff for taking such good care of your wife!

Inspiration

In this world we are all looking for a little inspiration. Life is hard, it is hard to maintain a positive out look at all times.  I am trying to find the good in everyone, which lead me to believe someone who played on my insecurities.  This person attempted to rattle me. How sick must you be if you need to do this inorder to make yourself feel better.  What is worse I let this person into my personal side, talked to this person about my family situation, financial situation, etc.  I could let this person get me down but I am not.  There are so many things in life to look forward to, even if things seem bleak around us.  We need find some INSPIRATION in this dark, synical world.  I am not going to stop believing in the good in people, but I am going to start being alot more guarded about my personal life.  I look around me, things could be a lot worse then they are. We all need to look around us, inspiration is there, in your child's eyes, in the bottom of a good cup of tea or in the laugh of a loved one (be it family or friend). Look for good, find the good.  Make your life positive....