Back Burner...

For literal years I have put myself on the back burner.  I never really realized how it has effected me, until a little while ago.  Every now and again, I would get my hair done, go out with the girls.  But never realized how when big things happen in my life, I just go numb and do what I need to do to get through.  How many people do that.  The ones that don't have a breakdown, addictions, etc.  I have been numb for so long I just didn't realize.  I think as the numbing began to wear off, I began to feel lost, out of control, physically ill.  I then began cucooning back into this numbing effect.  I didn't drink, or induldge in drugs, emotionally eat, I just didn't deal.  There are millons of people in this world that don't deal, just look at George Bush!  So recently I decided I can't get through life being numb.  I am worth more then that, I deserve more then that.  I am so worried about my family that I then forget about myself.  I use to think my 5 min morning shower was my mental sebatical.  Truth is, it wasn't.  I was still worrying about bills, kids, cars, work.  I didn't have a release.  Everything had a purpose.  So I decided to see a therapist.  She said something to me today, and by George she was right.  What if I took at least 30 mins to myself, consistantly every day.  Whether it be a hot bath, reading, writing my blog.  Just 30 mins when I could leave my worries behind me.  I had planned on starting this tonight.  I didn't.  But tomorrow, I have an entire day to myself.  Kids are at school, hubby will be at work.  I may clean or read, but what I do I am not going to consume myself with the things that have been consuming me.  I will deal with them one by one.  But, for one day, I am going to do what I would like.  It is Wednesday, maybe I will pick the winning Lotto 649 numbers :)