glenn with two n's

Ever had a friend you knew your entire life? I have a few. When I was a kid, I would go to Magnetawan with my nan and pop to visit my cousins, but I always played with my friend Glenn. Now Glenn wasn't very tall, but he was larger then life! All of the bad things I learned, he taught me! Haha! He taught me to spit all over my best dress! He showed me how to refill my parent liquor cabinet with water after drinking their booze. He also, in his funny way, taught me that being yourself is good. I hadn't seen him in about 4 years when I ran into him. He was with his little daughter, what a beauty. We talked and laughed and it was like old times, only Phinney lost his potty mouth. Once he went home, we chatted nearly everyday online. How I enjoyed waking up to his late night rants about prostituting seniors and hams at the IGA. And then as if a rug had been pulled out from under me, he was gone. Died two years ago at 38. I have to admit I think of him all the time. Today would have been his 40th birthday, and I hope you, Glenn with 2 n's, have a harem of women, a bottle of whiskey, and a smokin fast car. Although you could be crude, you were one of the most caring men I ever met! I never did send u the bill for my dress, and at midnight after a few vodkas, I will hide the bottle under my bed, just as you taught me, because I have made it a tradition since you have been gone. Miss you terribly, signed your not so ugly or fat friend... Xxoo!

guess I just never realized...

What a wonderful weekend! Wow! For so long I never realized what it is like to be someone's priority, let alone the top of their priority list! Now, some of you think I am just trying to brag, and most of you who know me, know I am truly not.

My older sister asked me when I would come for a visit, my dad had been asking, my baby sister too. So we decided this was the weekend. I also thought what better a weekend for Dean to be inducted into the family. Also, its my birthday Tuesday, so it felt like a weekend away! I had been super stressed about Dean meeting my dad. Anyone who knows my dad, knows he is the sweetest guy and you have to take him with a grain of salt. I had prepared him for the worst, and prayed for the best. I, for lack of better terms, am a redneck. Meet my dad once you will know. Well, they got along great! He met everyone and they all liked him. But what's not to like? Why was I nervous about it? Sometimes we put pressure on ourselves for no reason, and when we do that, we put pressure on others too.

I honestly can say, this was the best birthday weekend I have ever had. Dean went out of his way to go away, meet my family, and make sure I enjoyed myself. That is unconditional love... Now if I can just get over the anxiety of getting older.

kinda sad in today's society...

I know lately when I have blogged I am not talking about my healthier lifestyle. I like to blog lately about my opinions. It just seems so many things have been going on lately, but I promise by weeks end, healthy lifestyle blog coming up!

I had been reading on everyone's facebook about a little girl from Huntsville who had committed suicide because she had been bullied. How sad is this! What are we teaching our children? I remember when Tanner was a wee guy starting school and he was maybe 4, and his friend Trevor looked different. First year, Tanner didn't notice, second year either. By the third year Trevor was in a different class room. Tanner came home and said that some boys in his class were calling Trevor retarded. I said to Tanner, sure hope you weren't. I also explained to Tanner that everyone is different. A little tick, a big tick. We all march to the beat of our own drummer. About two weeks later, I get a call from the principal asking if I could come to the school and pick Tanner up, he was being sent home for fighting. When I got to the school, there was my boy upset, sad and being told he shouldn't have had a hands on incident at school. I take him out to the car and he is full out sobbing. I wasn't giving him trouble, I asked what happened. Tanner admitted that a grade 7 lunch helper had called is friend retarded! He also said, that he had talked to the teacher after first lunch break about it. But by second lunch break the same lunch helper was making fun of both of the boys and finally Tanner saw red and snapped! He said "Mom if Trev is retarded so am I!". I walked back into the school with my upset boy and spoke to the principal. I asked her if she had looked into any of what he said. She said that the lunch helper had said they were miss behaving and that Tanner beat him up. So I got Tanner to tell her what happened. Wow, things changed a bit... What is it going to take! I was bullied for years because of my size. I felt like a social outcast. And it amazes me, sometimes when I run into people now, how they act like because I am smaller, we were best friends when I was a kid... You tortured the hell out of me! Made me feel less then I truly was! I know we are all guilty of it at times, but that is something I truly try to teach my kids... UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!

My heart goes out to this family. I read on someone's facebook that the bullies need to be prosecuted. I agree, I also think not only the bullies, but their family should have to be counselled!!!! It is such a terrible thing in today's society to have all this hatred running rapid! Today I am going kiss my kids and tell them its ok everyone is different, and then I am going to do what I can to protect them from the bullies out there... Once a mama bear, always a mama bear!

quiet year... ya right...

Well, tis the season! Break out the good dishes and the Visa! This year has been a bit crazy for me. I remember going out for dinner at the Mandarin in January and reading for my birth year this was going to be a quiet, relaxing year. Whoever wrote that was wrong! Now, I can look at 2011 as the year my life crumble or the year that I was reborn... I think I will choose the latter.

2011 had a lot of ups and downs, positives and negatives. But, did I learn from the negatives? YES! Did the positives outshine the negatives? YES! Would I change 2011? NO, well maybe the broken foot thing! HA! This was the year I learned to love myself, no matter what shape or size. This was the year I learned to look fear in the eye and take the next step forward. This was year that I learned that the only person in life I had to please was myself. This was year that I began teaching my children the same things. One year ago at this time, I was a shattered sole, didn't know which way was up and didn't know how to love myself. All of that has changed. I read inspiration sayings and quotes everyday, one that I carry with me is about how God answers prayers, it may not be what we want, but it is what we need. How true is that? For me it was very true. We always want a bigger house, new car, etc, in the end it is all material. I want to live happily, love my children and family, explore. Not be bogged down with the other junk...
2011, One hell of year... At first, I had wished it would just end, now it will be a year I will never be able to forget!

It's beginning to look a lot like....

Well its another crazy week ahead. Last week was crazy, this week is crazy! Welcome to the Christmas season! Yes, I did in fact say Christmas! Now, I am not trying to impose my beliefs on anyone, I am a Christmas person. If you are not, Happy Quanza, hannuakah, whatever you celebrate. I will not be saying Happy Holidays. I will be saying Merry Christmas. In return, if you celebrate a different holiday and you wish me a Happy Quanza it is all good by me. I think we celebrate what we believe. And in doing that, it shouldn't offend anyone. I love everyone equally, doesn't matter what your holiday is! I think that people need to really remember what this time of year is about, it is about loving, giving, sharing, enjoying... As my 10 year old says, Jesus is the reason for the season... And that works in our household, enjoy whatever holiday that works in yours!

courage is not for the faint at heart...

This is a blog I have wanted to write for a few weeks. A few weeks ago marked the anniversary of the death of one of the finest creatures I have ever had the opportunity to meet. The way we met was crazy. Imagine walking to a hospital at pivitol time in your life, trying to make big decisions about which path to take in life, and here is this vibrant man, in his 20's, dying of cancer, fighting for his life and knowing everything he has tried to do to survive has failed and his time is ending. Walking into his room, I say hello, and I am mistaken for his nurse, and then I sit and talk with him and realizes I am a friend of his sister and brother in law. And he asks what I am doing there, which seems so unimportant, and I can't answer because my problems seem so small. I ask how he is, and frustrated he says, "how the fuck would you feel if you were dying?". I couldn't answer. We talked about the weather and we joked about the heat. He said the upside of being in the hospital is the air conditioning is blast in his room in the heat! As I leave his room, I said can I visit tomorrow? He replied "why would you want to? But if u must, go a head." Over the next couple of weeks, I visited everyday, and the stress of my life wasn't as important as it once was. We laughed and joked, and then one afternoon he asked if everyone would forget him? I have to admit, I was emotional by this question. And I said his smile would live on forever in his neices, his stories would live forever in his friends and family, his love would live on forever in his sister and his parents, and what he had done for me, how could I ever forget him... I think some of the things we worry about in life are trivial. One of the biggest things I took away from him was live your life happily, because you never know when its going to be over. Also, his positive spirit! Last night when I went for a walk, I sat at the lakeshore on a rock and marvelled at the wonder all around me. The geese, the fresh crisp air... I am never going to let a day go past me where I don't thank my lucky stars for all of the positive blessings in my life. Bob, I will never ever forget you, our friendship was short, but educational. Sorry so long to write this...

Somethings are worth repeating...

The last few weeks have been so completely crazy, and my blog is continuing to suffer! I am trying to make a bigger effort to take the time for it! So here it goes!

I know I have said some of these things before. First thing is, this week someone asked me about my weight loss. When I told them my story, they said "Gastric bypass? Well that is like the staples button, easy..." I was super offended. Firstly, when I started this, I began eating completely different 4 months before surgery. Also, not only did I start then, I have maintained all along. Before, if I didn't eat, I didn't eat, now I have to make a commitment to eat. I work on the road all day, so it can be tough. Also, this is a tool, not a be all end all. If I don't work at my weight loss everyday, I can gain my weight back the same as anyone else. I have worked super hard this year to make these big changes in life and I am winning!!!

The second thing I want to address is self image. I know I have talked about this several times. It is sometimes so difficult to get use to seeing a smaller person in the mirror. I was out this weekend with my girlfriends and bought a new pair of jean, size 12 I may add, and I had to keep asking the lady if I needed a bigger size. I even bought a new blouse, and when I tried the large on it was to big and I was still going to buy it because of my conditioning. It is hard to forget that wise cracking bigger red head I once was thou. Sometimes I still see myself is big. It is honestly crazy. I find myself looking at pictures and thinking who is that? For me, I will get there, it is just taking time. And now when my son hugs me, he can put both arms around me and hold me tight! Deaner piggy backed me around this weekend and said I was light as a feather. Who would have ever thought you would ever hear Melanie and light as a feather in the same sentence. I am sure it will take years to adjust to my change, and I am ok with that!

Enjoy your Monday!

Keep your chin up!

Good afternoon everyone! Exciting times! A couple of girls had the surgeries, with some complications and hopefully are doing better, a few of you got dates for your surgeries! It is crazy to think a year ago at this time I was about to embark on this wonderful journey. Although there have been some struggles for you, this tool will help you progress and succeed. I have said this before, I was never able to lose weight, it didn't matter what I did. I just wasn't able to do it. I am 185lbs, which to me is remarkable! With everything in life, there is a struggle to succeed. If you turn the struggle into something positive and learn from it, it makes it all worth the while. You really realize that you are building inspiration for someone in your life who may not have had the courage to do something outside that proverbial box. Watching someone struggle is hard. Watching someone struggle and succeed is inspiring!

You can do it...

Well this blog is dedicated to the people who have messaged me and are having surgery soon! I have been so encouraged by your dedication! I was reminded of how I thought it was a fate worse then death when I started optifast, and once I got through it, it really wasn't that bad... I survived. Much like these people are going to. One of the best things to remember is this a new tool to start a new lifestyle and I applaud you for being so brave!

little black dress... awesome sucker inner...

Spot the difference...

 Photo done by Sweet Peas Photography!
Thanks Dy and Stace!

a bottle of wine and a new sucker inner... good to go...

So today is that day! I am attending a wedding with a friend. In the past few weeks I have had to climb out of my shopping comfort zone, Pennigtons, and drag myself to the mall. I have said in previous blogs about all of my anxiety about shopping and so fourth, but today is the calmination of my mall shopping. Now, no worries, I will be posting pictures this week some time. it is just putting it all together. Crazy as it seems, now I am excited. I have worked hard to get here. Small and large steps. Today I am going to treat myself to a glass of wine and put on some of the sexiest clothes I have ever owned and I am going to be proud, hold my head high and strut my stuff! enjoy this beautiful Saturday!

Happy Thanksgiving....

Well its that time of year again! Break out the fancy dishes and the biggest turkey you can find! Just kidding! Thanksgiving has come upon us again, and it seemed rather quickly for me this year! So what are your family traditions? In years past, I have always marvelled my family with huge turkey dinner, homemade pies and buns, and an assortment of snacks. This year it will be different. The kids are going to their Dad's to celebrate, and I am going to attend a wedding and enjoy an evening with friends. Something I also love to do, is a typical Sunday drive on SUNDAY to check out all the changing leaves. Yes, I am a sentimental sap. I think of last Thanksgiving, spending at my Dad's with 40 other people and revelling is how thankful I was to be there. To enjoy their company and have my extended family around me. That is what I am truly thankful for, is my family. The love and support never fades. We sometimes don't see eye to eye, but we are always there for one another when we need to be. I watch my children get along and fight, and I see how they love each other. When one is not feeling well the other feels for them. This tells me I am on the right track! They are the biggest thing I am thankful for! Something else I am thankful for, finding myself. Not that I was lost, but I felt that I was. Finding myself was beneficial for me, but for my children.
I have received lots of messages in the past week! I love reading them, and I am horrible to respond (Sorry!)! I would like to say, these are the messages that inspire me. These message start with you are inspiring, and then it is there story. I find the stories you are sending me about yourself that are amazing. These life stories are what help others move forward. Even though it seems as though your at lowest depths when your writing your message it is a window for you to be able to express yourself, and release what is happening or bothering you. Thank you and keep on sending them!!!
There are so many things to be thankful for! Life is all around us, so enjoy the beautiful weekend in store and hold your family closer this weekend! Also CONGRATS to Scotty and Jenn! What a wonderful weekend to begin your life together!

I kinda think I look different...

Sometimes it doesn't matter how many times you see yourself, you still can't believe it is you. I have been grappling with that for months.When I fold my laundry, I see smaller clothes. When I am doing my hair, I think who is that. I remember when Oprah had people who had gastric bypass on her show. I remember listening to their stories and their stories inspiring me to make changes. But I also remember the one lady saying, how crazy it was for her to see herself smaller. I completely get it now. I thought I had a good handle on my transformation, and for the most part I do. But sometimes I still look for the fat girl. I don't mean to offend anyone with that statement, but for years that is how I felt. Now I just feel different. For the most part I feel confident, but sometimes I still think is this really me and when do I start gaining the weight back? I know that with the changes I have made I will always work hard to keep my hard work up, but I still sometimes have a problem with body image. I am looking to having the skin removed. I think one of the biggest motivators for that is that the excess skin still makes me feel heavy. I know the realistics of it, I know I am not, but seeing that in the mirror everyday makes me feel like what did I work for? It shouldn't, but it does! One of the best things about doing all of this is how I feel! For those of you that know me, I had an incredible amount of energy before. But now, I seem to have more!

I think that the best part of life is learning to deal with transformations, in any shape and size, for they change you for the good or bad, and make you who you are! Happy Thursday!

Acceptance...

What a crazy week so far! Aside from the rain that is suppose to happen, I think this week is shaping up to be a good one! Worked a double shift on Sunday, and had Monday and Tuesday off, go back and work 3 and have a weekend off to go up north and visit family and friends! Looking forward to a photo shoot with my favorite doll! So I should be posting some new before and after pictures right after Thanksgiving!

Over the weekend, I recieved a message from a family member, not a positive message is all I will say. I have said this several times that I am not willing to discuss my marriage or seperation any longer. I have not a bit of anamosity towards Jeff, I wish him well. We are becoming good friends and looking for a new path to raise our children. But something that I took offence to, was the fact that I was called a wanna be member of my dad's family. So, lets put this out there. I didn't know that my father wasn't my biological father until I was 26. My family thought it was best that I didn't know. I have done a lot of work to put that past me. I have chosen not to know who my biological father is for several different reasons. Biggest is, I have two super great dads! My dad and my step dad. The other is because it doesn't define who I am in life. I am not a wanna be member of anyones family. I accept people for who they are. I have also worked very hard to lose my judgemental componet when it comes to people. When I say I made a lifestyle change a year ago, I mean a holistic life style change. I want to be a better person, mind, body and soul. It was a big step for me. It is sometimes easier to stay in that dark place and never move forward. But I choose not to. Life is too short! So for that person that said that, that is your opinon, I can't change it and nor do I want to. What I can do thou is move forward and move past. I love my dad, and if that makes me a redneck hillbilly, so be it. You get one kick at the can in this life and I am going to take it. I am going to be more accepting, more tolerant, more loving... Happy Tuesday all!

As things some times happen...

I have had the day from hell it seems! I remember when I was a kid my Pop use to say, when things happen as the sometimes will, when life's road takes you down a really big hill... Now this is a PG rated blog so I won't finish the statement. But sometimes it feels as positive as I try to be things keep happening. I take two steps forward and seven back! Now, maybe its because it is dreary and rainy outside, but it just seems to be the way! I never ever thought I was superstitious, but I guess I am! My phone broke today, so had to take it for repairs. That isn't so bad, but then I realized all of my contacts are still in it, so I can't get a hold of anyone! I went to pick up some meat for dinner and realized Hovey's (my favorite butcher) is closed. And then I went to work, and my mom called me because she is sick with the flu. So after speaking with my boss, I punched out and headed home. What a waste. Already for work, drove all the way there, only not to work. Which is too bad, because I love my job! So since all of these things have happened today, I have tried to see the positive side of all of it. The positive side is, I am spending the evening with my wonderful children! That is if I can pry those WII remotes out of their hands! Enjoy your evening everyone!

It was a long hiatus...

Good morning all! It has been a long time since I have blogged and so much has happened in the past eight weeks! Well I just want to start out by saying, I can't believe how many people read my blog! I guess I just didn't realize how many people are routing me on! For that, I just want to say THANK YOU! I took a short break from my blog, because there were some negative things going on my life. I didn't want to write negative blogs for little eyes to see or for me to reread at a later time. Sometimes it is bad enough to have the negative memories, but to write them down and reread them is just a constant reminder. My life focus is positive, and I want it to remain that way, especially when it comes to my children.

So since my last real blog, I am down more weight! I am now in the 190's, 194 to be exact! So 44 pounds to go and I will be at my final goal! How crazy is that! It seems to have went by so fast. I have also taking up a new activity, speedwalking/jogging. I am up to about 6 km. I try to do it as much as possible! I didn't realize how much I enjoy it. When I was younger, I use to walk every evening when I lived in Sundridge. I had a specific route. I walked every evening, listened to music and cleared my head. Walking is one of secret pleasures I guess. It is something I do alone, I get lost in the music I downloaded to my blackberry and just have some me time. I have always been so dedicated to my family and work life, I kind of forgot all about myself. Even something so small as a walk gives me that little bit of me time that I need. We all need a little bit of me time! I have also went back to work! What a transition! I didn't realize how much I relied on my organization skills! I also would like to take the time right now to thank my MOTHER! She has made my life so much easier right now! I work afternoon shift, and I am unsure how long it will take to get to a day shift. My mom takes care of my kids in the evenings, this helps me because I know they are having a great dinner, and they are sleeping in their own beds. With out my mother, they would have had to go to daycare or I would have had to quit my job, so for that I am truly thankful! It has been a crazy transition back to work. I have been off for a while, so it is crazy having to report to work everyday, since I have been able to live the life of Riley for a while! The pay wasn't up to snuff, but the time with my children was amazing! Something money could never buy!

It seems hard to believe that all the changes in my life began a year ago September 1st. My entire lifestyle and life changed. A year ago, I weighed 347 pounds, found myself in such a rut emotionally and physically! I had to make changes not only for my family but for me. Once I started making those changes life started to get better! Some of the craziest feelings about my weight loss has happened more recently thou. One of them was buying clothes. I am having a hard time grasping that I can shop anywhere now. I have only ever been able to shop through the Sears catalogue, which I haven't been able to do in years, or Penningtons. So I needed to purchase a cocktail dress so I can attend a wedding with a friend. I had no idea where to even go to buy a dress. I have to say I felt a lot of anxiety about looking at these dresses. I didn't know what size I was really, and sometimes it hard not to still see yourself as that larger person. So looking at these smaller dresses I think, these are my problem spots, or this will never cover everything, then I try them on and I find myself standing there in disbelief! I also have been able to purchase my first pair of name brand jeans! And that was a something big for me. Size 14! So then I do laundry and I fold up my clothes and I find myself wondering "who's clothes are those?". It seems so funny to fold such small clothes. My clothes have always been large. So sometimes it is hard to do laundry or to see my clothes in the closet. I did keep my ketchup tshirt and I wear it running. Most of my bigger clothes are gone, but I kept a couple of things to remind me.

I took my kids to the Sundridge fair this weekend. My old stomping grounds! I go every year. It was crazy seeing people I haven't really seen in a year! But what was crazier were the amount of people that didn't recognize me! My own Aunts and Uncles didn't know who I was! How funny is that! I ran into people that I hadn't seen in years. It is funny how when you run into these people you miss your old life! I love living in Barrie, but yesterday, I missed living in Sundridge! I missed the small town life! Even catching up with girls from school, I realized how much I missed my friends from there! I have decided that I need to make a more of an effort to reconnect with my past life to make my real life balanced! I wanted to go to the cemetery and visit my grandparents, but I honestly couldn't do it. It was hard enough driving by the house. My grandmother's death is something that still rattles me to this day. Still have nightmares about it. Sometimes I think that is why I avoid going up north. My son said yesterday how much he would love to live in Sundridge. In thinking about it, if I could get a job, where I would make the same money, it wouldn't be out of the realm of possibility. He said he liked that you didn't have to look over shoulder to walk around, or that you didn't need to walk around with a cell phone because you know everyone. Not that I am seriously considering a move, but isn't funny how my little man can pick up on the lifestyle difference!

I am not going to promise to blog everyday, but I won't be taking another long hiatus if I don't have to! Thanks to everyone who made wonderful comments and have been an encouragement in my life! You have no idea what you have done, but its been all good!

This is dedicated to the boy I love...

Imagine waking to a sharp, writhing pain at 5am. Not thinking it could be a labour pain until 10am. It has been a decade since that happened. Still remember every moment. One of the two best days of my life. I woke up to these crazy pains. Tried to rest, but didn't do much of that. After a while, I thought, I might as well go to the hospital to see what was going on. Send the ex out to the car, and all of the windows are smashed out of my beautiful ford tempo. So I called the police. When calling the police I was told to drive it up to the police station so they could look at it. After a huge argument ensued, and I explained I was in labour, the police officer decided to completely patronize me. I explained to the police officer that MD stood for Medical Doctor, not master of doughnuts. A police officer was at my door 15 mins later. We go to the hospital, only to be sent home, because I was two centimetres dilated. I thought, I am not cooking in the heat, and man I am in labour, I deserve a night off... So I ordered KFC. One piece of that greasy chicken and I was back at the hospital. I attempted to make friends with Anastiogologist before the epidural, but that clearly didn't work, the ex had to hold on to me as tight as possible to get the needle in my back. I continued to labour... For 31 hours total, with 8 people in my delivery room! HAHAHAHA! Pushed for four hours, to have to have an emergency c-section. 8:21pm the most beautiful baby boy known to man was delivered!
Looking back over the past decade, it has been an amazing ride! I couldn't ask for a better boy! My skateboarding, golfing, sister picking on, caring, sharing, concerned little boy! Love you T-Man more then words can say. Because believe it or not, you saved your mommy and gave her life a huge purpose!

scarf.... I need a bathing suit!!

Well you have gotta love summer! It is bathing suit season again! This year is quite different from last year thou, but it still makes me nervous! Actually the past couple of times I have went shopping it has been intimidating. Before I would go to Penningtons for all of my clothing, underwear, jammies, shorts. But those things  getting too big. So have been looking around other stores, but too scared to try things on. Feeling a little out of my comfort zone. Even walking through the mall the other day, I passed a mirror and thought she looks good, but the she was me. I know it takes time to get use to the looks of your transformation, but sometimes makes me think, what happened to that fat girl? Where did she go! Honestly, I think that I had been able to hide out for so many years as that funny fat chick that now when I see the skinnier version, it throws me off! So hopefully today or tomorrow I will go and look for a bathing suit, it definately won't be a two piece!!! Enjoy your Sunday everyone!

Meeting in the middle...

So Cast is off!! Pins are out!!! I have to rest my foot for the next six weeks! It seriously hurts! Now that the cast is off, it stinks too. I have bathed my foot 3 times! Smell is a bit better. But the toe is so sore, trying to get use to walking normal again, so if you see walking, please no jokes! Just kidding!
This has also been a positive week in my family life. The war of the roses is over, and for my children's sake I am thankful! I never thought I would be so thankful to meet someone in the middle. This is a win for everyone, especially my children. For that I am eternally thankful. It is funny how when people find a way to communicate they find their way back to logic. In speaking with my future ex husband, I saw a side to him I hadn't seen in quite a while. I know that he saw the same. We were able to speak as friends. Being amicable and respectful, which is such a huge thing to make our family lives better. We are both moving forward in our lives, but finding a way to raise our children separately and being on the same page when it comes to raising our children in an awesome thing.
Down to 215 lbs this week as well! Maybe it was the cast! I was trying to remember the last time I weighed in the 100's? Such a good question. Maybe 12! So my next SMART goal is 15 lbs! I never thought I would weigh in the 100's and it makes me excited! Hopefully being able to start walking again will help!
Such a positive week! My goodness I am very thankful!! Now I just need to learn to deal with stubborn...I am sure it will come in time, but stubborn makes me happy!!!!

Appreciation...

Just wanted to say thank you to everyone for all of the compliments I keep getting! Sometimes it is difficult to hear compliments. I like to give them, just sometimes it is difficult to receive them. I am going to make it a point to not brush them off and savour them. I also want to thank everyone for all of the inspirational messages I am getting. When I began my blog, I thought it would be an avenue to pass along information, or let someone else know it is ok to have a bad day. I had no idea that I would ever inspire someone to make a change. A lot of the messages I am getting are that I have inspired them to lose 10 pounds, or I have inspired them to make a drastic change in there life. I am completely humbled and overwhelmed. For years, I always felt like I was the one in the background. Yes, I was funny, but I was to large to be in front. Your messages have inspired me, to make a change to be in front! To show my children, they can march to their own drum and they don't need to bleed into the fore ground. Once again, I thank everyone for all of their kind messages! I don't delete them either, I keep them and when I am having a bad day, or things are rough, I look back and think things are not so bad!

It has been a while!

Hello all my readers! Sorry it has been a while since I have blogged! I haven't seen my computer in a couple of weeks, and generally I would blog from my blackberry, but its in for repairs! So first things first, I weighed myself this morning, I am down to 220 lbs! Yeah Me! It does feel good! I am still trying different foods, but I am dealing with some stomach pains every now and again. I will be following up. Part of the problems I think is the pain killers I have been on for my foot. They have been constipating, hence the stomach pains. I am hoping that is all it is. 
My foot, well is another story! I am in another cast! This cast stays on until June 28th, and then we switch up to an air boot. Which I can't believe I am saying this I am excited for, because I will be able to walk a bit freer, and the weight of this cast has been hell on my knee. I am a little giddy for these pins to come out, so much in fact that I am counting down the sleeps!
There is something else I would like to address, and I have address this in previous blogs. I realize that my ex husband is writing things for all the world to see on facebook. Not so nice things that you all have been reading. I want to say there isn't any merit to what he is saying. I am not going to dignify any of what he is saying with a response. The only thing I will say that it is incredible that someone would post that for all the world, including a 10 year old impressionable boy, to read. I have come to find myself in a much better, happier place in the relationship I am in. Positive, unconditional, understanding. And not just for me, but for my children as well. My children have one father, that is how it will stay, although my partner remains a friend, a positive reinforcement and a buddy to them, and that is all I can ask for.
I am focusing on the positive in my life, and there are so many good things and blessing around all of us, don't let the negative energies stop you from enjoying life! I know I won't!

She would be 74 tomorrow...

There are a couple of days through out the year that are hard to get through. They seem to revolve around my Grandparents. Tomorrow would have been Betty B's 74th birthday. Now I am not making a birthday cake, or spending my day sobbing this year. I have made some big changes in my life. In my current situation, I have always tried to do what she would have wanted me to do to make my life better. It has taken me a long time to realize that the only thing she ever wanted for any of us, really was happiness. Life is too short. Life is what you make it. I choose to live happy and positive. I thank my kids and Chris for my happiness. My life is moving in a direction that I never would have dreamed possible a year ago. Not everything is sunshine and lemon drops, but when there are bad things going on around me, I remember all of the positive things in my life and know that what ever comes around the next corner I can handle it. I think this a huge part of my new optimistic journey... Happy Birthday Nan! Love you and miss you!

chapter 19

To start off, I just want to say I am human... I gained a 1 1/2 pounds this week. I have been going back through what I have eaten in the past week and half and just can't figure it out. But I am not discouraged. My life has been pretty stressful lately. Maybe stress makes you gain weight. I know before I would have broke out the mars bars. But I haven't been eating anything I shouldn't. Which to me shows me that I have made a big change. I do have so say how wonderful it is to be able to get into a pair of size 16 jeans. Regular size not plus sizes. That is a huge feat for me, because I have never been able to shop for clothes in regular sizes. For as long as I remember,  I have been staring down the plus sizes, wishing the regular sizes fit me. Especially when I was younger. I lived in northern Ontario, and everything came from Sear's. I always seemed to look frumpy. I am never going back to that again. I read through some of my older blogs tonight as well, and one of the blogs said I would be happy just losing 75 pounds. Wow, I am still going and feel great! I think I will dream bigger!

Motivators?

Isn't crazy how a friend can motivate you? I have been trying to motivate myself to stage my house, as it is up for sale. But, only getting around on one foot, and being in pain, really doesn't help me at all. But I have this friend, everyone needs a friend like this, who puts me back in check, tells me I can do it, and helps me with the big stuff. When I say this, I am not discounting my other friends, because they do it too. But this friend isn't scared to say what is on her mind, whether I want to hear it or not. She is real. For all her help, I thank her...

Family...

Well, how was everyone's long weekend? Mine was wonderful! Spent the weekend with my southern family, went to my sister's wedding and had my boyfriend meet my dad! Can you say yikes! I felt like I was 16 all over again. My dad loved him! Crazy as it sounds, it is nice to get that kind of approval. It just seems to make life a lot easier. Not that you really need someones approval about your relationship to make you happy, but honestly it does make life a lot easier. The entire drive to London, I felt my anxiety kick in, and if I was feeling nervous what could Chris be feeling? Now, as he was joking about leaving if it didn't go well, there may have been a bit truth at the heart of it as well. But while we were there, I made a decision, no one else is going to influence my decisions about who I am going to share my life with. I do hope everyone can get along, but we are all grown ups, and this person is who makes me happy, that is really all that matters. Next weekend will be nerve wracking because the shoe is on the other foot! I have to say I learned something incredible from Chris this weekend, he is who he is, and if that isn't enough, that is there problem, he is job is to make me happy, and I think I will take a page from his book!

Bring on the May 24!!

Just weighed in.... 225 lbs!! Yahoo!!! So that makes it 122lbs in total thus far! I am having some problems with not being able to work out or walk because of the beautiful cast that I am wearing :(. I have a serious case of the giggle bum... Which I am not liking. Up for suggestions about how to remedy it!
I have had a few questions this past week about my weight loss, so I will answer them here.
Q:  How do you feel?
A: Honestly, awesome! I have way more energy then I did before. My sleeping problems have depleted. It has been completely positive!
Q: Do you still you have to chew like crazy?
A: Yup, I am still a chewer! It makes life easier! I ate a hot dog to fast last Saturday night, and man I paid for it! Gonna keep chewing!
Q: Do you have cravings?
A: Not really. I have been craving beer, but I just have a sip of his beer, so it all works out.

Honestly, I haven't been happier in my life! My kids, new boyfriend, new lease on life!
LIFE'S GOOD, and I am living it!

no dancing for a while...

Just a short blog, as I wait at the hospital for surgery for my toe!!! Weighed in last night at 237lbs!! Unbelieveable! I have to say sore foot aside, I do feel wonderful! Living positive is a good thing. I actually had a huge accomplishment today. How many times have I had a hospital gown on? A few! They have never been big enough to close in the back so I ended up wearing two gowns to cover myself. No longer! Hospital gown is on and closed! Even able to wear the robe and close it as well! It feels good! And the handsome drywaller who was checking me out also made things a whole lot nicer today!!!!

Well that was interesting....

There have been many tongues wagging about my current situation. Not that I owe anyone an explanation, or that I am going to give one, but to put to bed all of the rumours... Yes I am single... This wasn't a decision that was made lightly. The biggest thing I am concerned about is my children. I have seen comments on other people's facebook walls, I have seen the comments on my soon to ex husband's walls. The only thing, I can say is, no one knows what goes on behind close doors. The comments that have been put up for all the world to see are not benefiting anyone. Least of all my children. The more things change, the more chaos there is in there life. At the end of the day, I have 2 children to raise into happy, caring people, and I hope that with patience and understanding they can overcome all of this. Everything happens for a reason, I wish my former spouse all of the health, happiness and success one can get out of life. But to the people that are talking in plain sight on facebook, honestly, get a hobby! The only ones who are being hurt are the children... And let's face it, haven't they been hurt enough?

Thanks to everyone!

Today I posted my pictures on facebook, I kind of felt like I had hit the half way mark in my goal. I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who said a kind word! It has been a rough and busy couple of weeks around our household. The support I have been receiving from my family and friends has been incredible! I am starting to mend, and I will be having another visit to the fracture clinic tomorrow over my beautiful big toe! I have to say, I am truly missing work and my work life. Last week I was walking with a cane, and felt older. I look back and remember when my sister and I use to joke about people turning 35 and how they were old. Now that I am older then that, I think geesh, we didn't know anything! Life is a journey, doesn't matter the age... And I want to thank everyone who reads my blog, shares a kind word, or even just gives a good thought... Because it means the world to me!

Spot the difference?

102...don't mind if I do!

So the newest number is in.... 245!!! I weighed in at 245 lbs! So not only did I meet that 100lbs mark I surpassed. What a great feeling!!! I think that this milestone was such a big one for me because, I can't ever remember being this small. I can't remember being lighter then 260. It seems odd, how much we focus on a number. The number doesn't define who we are. It is mearly a guide to tell us our body structure has increased/decreased. Sometimes there is far too much focus on the number. One thing I want to teach my children is that a person isn't about what is on the outside, but what you find when you look beneath the surface. Heavy, thin doesn't change who I am. Being positive with a healthier outlook on life, makes me a better person, and teaching my children love and happiness is the bigger lesson.

Never say never...

So Saturday, my friend Michelle invited my boy over to play with my boy. This meant I had an afternoon free and clear to spend with my daughter. I thought we could go and see a movie, as Addison has never been to the movies. Guess what she wanted to see? Justin Beiber! So out we went! I didn't really want to go, but I made it her choice so I away we went. What an awesome movie! How hard that boy has worked to get to where he is today! I have to say, Justin Beiber of all people, is a motivator! Now I know there are a million pre-teen girls who want to be the next Mrs. Beiber, but I am in awe of him.
I have goals I have set for myself, and sometimes I think I may not meet them. But I am motivated to meet these goals. To succeed, get a head. I will NEVER SAY NEVER!

Before and after...Can you spot the difference?

The Working Woman...

Most of us women have a job outside the home. I have been off on sick leave since November, and I have to say, yes I have been sick and had a few surgeries, but I have enjoyed being home with my family. I am very fortunate to have a full time job and a husband, who works opposite shifts and picks up the slack around our home. We don't see each other a lot, which means the time we spend as a family is quality time. Some people don't have that. I was watching the news the other night and they say there are quite a few people (the 40% range) who work two part time jobs to make ends meet. Which means more hours then full time, and less time at home. Not to mention, part time job means less tax taken off of their income, which isn't enough to begin with. So when you are hoping for a little extra cash after doing your taxes, you generally have to pay in. It is difficult to juggle work and family, but it is getting even harder. My friend is a victim of this. She hasn't had a weekend off for over two years, she makes sure she takes as many shifts as she can so she isn't perceived as unreliable. And if she is lucky she gets to work both jobs on the weekend. Sometimes I wonder how they cope. I look at our beautiful city and think, wow, Barrie is a nice place. But then I think where are the jobs. Other communities have it way worse.
You think back to generations before, and women stayed home, men went out and worked. They would show up with a lunch, see if there was work and be at the same job 40 years later. Sometimes, I think it would be nice to have both generations (past and present) co mingle. A little from each time, and all of our children would have a better world!

Extended family...

I have been very blessed in the past 5 years. 5 years ago, my dad and I started talking after a small rift. Getting know my dad again was awesome! But the group of close friends he has, just took my family and made them their own! They didn't have too. But they did! And what a group of people. Sometimes in the hustle and bustle of this world people put themselves out there as they are better then everyone. Not these people. These people are salt of the earth kind of people. The kind of people that if you have one dollar or a million dollars, they accept you at face value. They don't judge you by the clothes on your back, shoes on your feet, or car you drive. There is always room for one more at their table, or in their home. We just spent the weekend with my dad and the extended family! What a wonderful time we had! I have never been more grateful for them, and miss them already!

Chapter 18...

So I weighed in today, 260.2lbs! Yahoo! On Saturday I decided I had better buy a few new clothes, because most of mine don't fit! Firstly, what a sale! Secondly, I couldn't believe I got into a size 20! What a wonderful feeling. Even bras, sizes are down!!! It was such a great feeling, putting clothes back because they were to small! I also wanted to thank everyone for all of the questions and concern in the past week. I thought I may answer a few tonight.
Q: How have you been feeling since you have dropped some weight?
A: At first I didn't know if the pain was from my gastric bypass or from my gynecological issues. Come to find out that it was from my gynecological issues. Since my ablasion on Friday, I have been feeling so much better. Now that the cramping is gone, I feel so much better. I am having a lot more energy, and my legs are feeling better.
Q: What are you eating?
A: I have been sticking to the guidelines set out by the dietitians. I really never feel hungry, but I do eat. I find that if I skip meals I don't feel well. I have been trying also to prepare myself for going back to shift work in less then three weeks. So I have been trying to maintain consistent meal times. Most importantly breakfast. I find if I skip breakfast, it sets the tone for the entire day, which is not a good thing. I cook according to what I can eat, so my family is eating the same as I am, but I am just eating from a smaller plate, like a side/salad plate.
Q: Are you still drinking eight glasses of water a day?
A: Yes and no. Most days I am drinking between 6-8 glasses of water. I use to drink so much water a day, just gulp it down. But I can't drink like that anymore. So I am always walking around with a glass of water or diet kool aid. I am really making every attempt to drink as much as I can, because it does help me keep my skin clear! lol!
Q: Are you or have you experienced dumping syndrome?
A: YES! It friggin hurts!!! If I don't chew my food enough, I call it getting stuck. Or if something is too rich. I have low tolerance for dairy products as well. Dumping sucks! So I do what I can to avoid it. AT ALL COSTS! I am comfortable enough with food to know what I can and can not eat, so I am getting better with dumping. Still not attempting white bread or pop! Don't know if I ever will.

Being healthier is what it is all about!

Dream a little dream...

Have you ever set goals, but thought them to unattainable? Have you ever dreamed you would have a dinner date with Josh Lucas, Hugh Grant? Ok, so I have the same unattainable dreams! Insert laughter! Actually, I had a friend message me, I just want to add that my friend is a little Oprah obsessed, last night and said I should submit my weight loss journey to Oprah, as Oprah has a call out for her show, about incredible weight loss journey. Now, I didn't really consider what I am doing as an incredibly journey for anyone else except for me. I know people like to read my blog, and I know that everyone is routing me on, but still for some reason I didn't think my journey was incredible. So last night, I went back through my posts on my blog. I have has some incredible accomplishments, if I do say so myself! I have given up my diet Pepsi and bread addiction, I have managed to drop 80 some pounds, and found out that it doesn't matter how people perceive me, it is about being a good person and having a good perception of myself! Now would I love for Oprah to pick my story, YES!! But if she doesn't, that is ok too! I would rather be me then just about anyone else! I have an incredible support system with my family, and a wonderful life full of ups and downs. Yes, definitely a dream to meet Oprah, but if it happens!!! Enjoy your evening!

Chapter 17...

As I laid in bed this morning, recovering, I had an epiphany! I am only 17 lbs away from the 100 lb mark! How awesome is that! For me, this is huge! I had the ablasion on Friday. Recovery has been pretty good! Who ever thought I would own a heating pad, and openly admit to it! I have been promising a simple, low calorie recipes for everyone. So here is one! My friend's parents gave it to me, and this is delicious!

Diet Coke Chicken
I make this in a slow cooker!

4 boneless skinless chicken breast or 8 boneless skinless chicken thighs
1/2 C of ketchup
an envelope of onion soup mix
1 can of diet coke

Brown chicken in a frying pan. Arrange chicken in slow cooker. Combine soup mix and ketchup and spread evenly around chicken. Pour can of diet coke on top of chicken. Cook on high for 4 hours or on low for 8 hours.

Enjoy :)

chapter 16...

I am at the hospital today to have an abalsion done. It is suppose to be the answer to my problems! I am hoping so!!! As I am sitting here waiting to be called I decided I would find a scale and weigh in, as I have been forgetting! Drumroll please! 264.4 lbs!!! How great does that sound! I am loving it!!! I have been trying to almost avoid the scale. Sometimes it is an anxiety thing! What if I don't lose any, what if I lose to much! All the what ifs were making me crazy! I read something one time about what if'ing our lives away. Most of our what if are negative, and feed our mind with negative thoughts. To make that small change to change your what ifs to positives, can change our entire thinking! So what if I have met my goal! What if I stay the same! Bring it on!

Chapter 15...

And so the battle continues... This week has not been too bad. I am really struggling with lactose intolerance thou. I cook with milk, I love cheese. I have been able to have small portions of cheese this week. I actually made a lasagna, with whole wheat noodle (and no one noticed) and used low fat mozzarella and found I tolerated it quite well. I really need to get motivated thou. I need to increase physical activity and get my butt in gear! I didn't weigh myself last week, because, well I forgot! lol! So this week I am going to post some low fat recipes that I have been making for all of you! Once that I am able to tolerate, and that have become staples! I tried a small salad this week as well, and I was able to tolerate, as long as I chewed well. One of my biggest staples is oatmeal. I can't do cream of wheat any more, but plain oatmeal has been good! I am going to keep my sugars under 25g, and it will be all good!
Hope everyone enjoys their week!!!

Bullying is such a serious issue...

I was on facebook this morning and was checking out what everyone was up to, when I came across my friend's status saying that her son was being bullied at school (I hope she doesn't mind I mention this!). This boy firstly, would never hurt a fly, and is always happy to see everyone and feels very differently about himself because of his conditions (tourettes Syndrome and a SEVERE allergy to nuts). His family has taken every precaution to ensure that his allergy or illness doesn't rule his life and the education to know what he can and can't eat or do. He has been bullied at school by a fellow student for months, my friend with no avail, has talked to teachers, principals, etc. The bully went so far as to put a cookie in the the child's face and say "eat this and die". WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TOO! I have always taught my children acceptance, and I hope that that lesson assists them through life. My son has been bullied through out his school life, he had a knife pulled on him in first grade! Where are the limits in the school? When Tanner was in junior kindergarten he was a victim of bullying by a grade 4 (a lunch helper). Tanner would be fearful when it was time to go to school, he would flinch when you attempted to hug him. It was just plain sad. After several visits to the school to speak with teachers, principal and parents, still nothing changed. One afternoon, I received a phone call asking me if I could come to the school right away, there had been an altercation. When I got to the school, there was my boy crying and another boy holding his nose. I went into the Principal's office, first thing she said was, "Mrs. Money, I am very sorry. Tanner is being sent home today, but not suspended." I was taken aback, I asked what happened. What had happened was, this bully took Tanner's lunch, then began a tirade on him and his friends. Threatened them with a broom, and then when getting ready to go play outside, he threatened Tanner's friend, who was a girl. Tanner went to the door, and then asked the kid to come outside and beat the piss out of him. Broke his nose, and that child was suspended for 3 days. But why did it have to get to that? Lack of supervision, horrible home life? When I met with this child's parents, you could tell. I felt horrible for what my son went through, but my heart went out to the other child in this situation.
I guess what I am asking is what do you do when your school is ignoring your pleas to keep your child safe? Please comment below. I know when the knife was pulled on Tanner in grade one, we weren't even informed about it. I contacted the school and then the media. Now that school knows I don't play. I take my child's word, because he doesn't have a reason to lie about being bullied! Every child has the right to go to school and feel safe!

Chapter 14...

Well this week has been all and all a pretty good week. I have been feeling better, and able to get out a little bit more. So this week I am going to start incorporating some fitness into my regime. I am going to drag my butt to water buffalo's (aqua fit) tomorrow night if it is the last thing I do! It is important to maintain physical activity. Also it will be nice to release the endorphins. For anyone who has problems with their legs or back, aqua fit is a fun, low impact work out that anyone can do! Doesn't matter of shape, size or age! Trust me, at our aqua fit class, there are quite a few older ladies and gents who get out there and strut their stuff! The best part about the aqua fit classes are how well I sleep after I get home! lol! I am can't wait for the snow to go, I am not a winter walker, so once it starts to melt, I will be on the sidewalks! Hope my sister's little dogs can keep up!

Pardon me, I will be in the washroom...

Well, I attempted going out to dinner with some friends this weekend. I was looking forward to going to Shoeless Joe's, but when I started going through the menu, there weren't a lot of dishes on the menu that were in my comfort zone. I decided on a non-spicy Thai dish. It was delicious, but unfortunately, it didn't agree with me. I didn't take the time to cut it up small, I was trying to rush through dinner. Now my friends, they all took their time, so why didn't I. I was thinking about it. I thought, I didn't want to be seen as different from my friends. I didn't want anyone to notice that I had ate less then everyone. Truth is, I got stuck, ended up going to the washroom a dozen times, only for my friends to notice I didn't eat very much! Bottom line is, they are my friends, and what the heck do they care if I cut my food up into small bites, or if it takes me longer to eat then them? If I was at home and any of them were here, I would have eaten small bites. I am not going to worry about what others think. I am going to take my time. Thanks ladies for a wonderful evening, and next time I won't spend my time in the ladies room!!

Something we should all do...

I know, that title is loaded, right? I am not going to get on my soap box and start talking about better eating habits, or lowering your blood pressure. What I think we should all do, is take sometime to stop and smell the roses. Now I also know it is winter, so obviously this a metaphor, unless you are like my friends in Florida (maybe next year I will small enough for your suit case!). We are own worst critics when it comes to life. Maybe we should start thinking about how we can be more positive about our selves, and a little less critical of ourselves. Rome was not built in a day, so small steps. Maybe it is just taking 10 minutes to yourself over a nice cup of tea, but destress and move forward. You can't take it with you when you go, so why stress out over it. If we do own positive thing for ourselves each day, we will be able to see the reward, even if it is eventually!

Put on a little lipstick...

You always hear people say, to be successful, you should look successful. I am not sure if I agree with that, but, today I found myself doing my hair, putting on some earrings, and some lip gloss. Now, I am not going to say that I felt successful, but it did make me think I looked wonderful! Sometimes, we go through life frumpy, comfy. But, sometimes we need to realize how beautiful we are, on the inside and out. It made me feel good doing my hair and just taking the time to look nice. Who knows, maybe tomorrow if my allergies allow, I may just put on some perfume with my sweatpants!

Chapter 13...

Lactose intolerant...Words I never thought I would utter! I have been have some abdominal pain in the evenings. Although I have been cramping, I wasn't able to put one and one together until today. I had some cheese and Melba toast today with some fat free sour cream ranch dip today. Mid afternoon, and well, the pain was crazy! I am not a big milk lover, but I do cook with milk a lot! So I think I will be avoiding it for a while. I have been taking my protein shakes with milk, so again, every time I have been having the protein shakes, it has been difficult to keep down. I will be mixing them with water from now on. I have nothing against cows, I am just going to have to find an alternative. I already like the almond milk :)

To answer a few questions...

I thought I would take this opportunity to answer some questions that everyone has been asking. There have been a lot of good ones! Keep them coming!

First question is what is dumping. Dumping is a condition where ingested foods bypass the stomach too rapidly and enter the small intestine largely undigested.  "Early" dumping begins concurrently or immediately succeeding a meal. Symptoms of early dumping include nausea, vomiting, bloating, cramping, diarrhea, dizziness and fatigue. "Late" dumping happens 1 to 3 hours after eating. Symptoms of late dumping include weakness, sweating, and dizziness. Many people have both types. So if I eat too fast, or something I shouldn't, I barf and feel crappy. I have been more conscientious of chewing, looking at labels and keeping my sugar levels below 20 grams per day.

Second question was about restrictions on food. After surgery my stomach became the size of an egg, average persons stomach hold between a litre and a litre and half, and my stomach holds approximately 3/4 of a cup. So it is important to eat the protein enriched foods first! Bread is difficult to digest, it expands when you eat it, so I have, for the first time since December, switched to rye bread, and can only eat about 3/4 of a slice at a time. I have also not attempted to eat rice, it makes me feel like dumping when I eat it. But I am loving the couscous (the food so nice they named it twice!)

It is very important for me to be mindful of what I eat. Like I said it is important to take smaller bites and chew, the opening at the bottom of the stomach is the size of a dime. Also food that have large amounts of fats and/or sugars cause dumping. I am just starting to reintroduce roughage, raw veggies, etc. It is tricky, they have to be super small and I have to chew. Every bite, I count to 30 :) lol!

I am not a fan at this point of homeopathic remedies. Reason being, I haven't had enough time to research things. Also, I am feeling that with the issue (feminine) that I have been having, I am going to stick with the western medicine for now to see how I fare out. I can only swallow medication the size of an m&m, I use to take echinecha and it was a big pill. So for now, I will stick with what I know. Once things get back online with my issues, I will be looking into alternatives! Especially once I find out if I can swallow them! Some medications make feel nauseous now, which didn't before. Midol make me throw up! I can't take any ibuprofen or naproxin based pain relievers because they are hard on the stomach. Also the issues with pill size, I have to check with the pharmacist to make sure I am able to get the medication out the bottom of my stomach. So I do have to be careful.

I use a website call sparkspeople.com. It is great! I also have the app on my phone. Recipes, journaling, etc. It helps me keep track of what I have eaten in a day, and then I can see what I need to eat more of!

Keep the questions coming!!!

Oh the dreaded curse...

Anyone out there ever had PMS? Ok, so I know, you ladies know what I am talking about. Some of the tricks that have worked for me in the past that have worked are warm blanket, midol, CHOCOLATE! So with the feminine problems I have been experiencing right now, I have tried going to my go to's. The problem is I am not able to take midol because of my gastric bypass, it makes me feel sick and well the chocolate will cause dumping! So where do I go from here? Spoke with my OB/GYN and there is nothing he can do for another week! So my pharmacist, who is an incredible woman, took pity on me today and told me to buy some robaxacet. Now I said isn't that for back relief, she said "yes, but it is a muscle relaxant!". If anyone is looking for me, I am at walmart, stocking up on pads and robaxacet:)

Why do we do what we do...

I wanted to take a second to thank everyone for all of their comments! Most of them have been encouraging, and have helped me before and after the surgery, get through the hard stuff. Some people have not been so happy about my remarks, posting my actual weights, and so forth. For you people I am sorry! For the other people who have been reading my blog, sending me words of encouragement, I sincerely thank you! Someone asked me today, why a blog? Why are you putting yourself out there? The answer my friend is simple. I have always been a tell it how it is kind of person. I have always looked into something 100 times before I do something. If I can help anyone from my experiences, make someone laugh or just plain tick them off (just kidding), someone is getting something out of my blog. I also started this blog as a way to cope with the past year, which was not the best of years for my family. I wanted to be able to look back and remember good and bad times and know that the struggle was worth it! I am just an average person, living an extraordinary life, and for that I am truly grateful!
Thank you so much!

Diary of a shrinking fat chick-chapter 12

Decided to get back to my Monday morning weigh ins. So I weighed in at 270 lbs! Yahoo!!! I think this is the smallest weight I have been since the age of 16! I have to admit it does feel good! I have been enjoying this Family day weekend with my family. I have also been trying to eat according to the documentation the hospital gave me. I have been trying do that since day one, but sometimes, if I eat to quickly or something to spicy I experience the dumping, so I just stop eating. So today I thought I would try a piece of rye probiotic toast. It was a slow process. But I have to say, I love bread! So it was worth the process. I don't think I can go back to ever eating white bread, but I can live with this compromise. Rye breads are great! Flavourful! I think that that is part of North Americans problem, we get caught up in what we love and instead of a small treat every now and again, we completely over due it when we find a good thing! I am guilty of it! Homemade white bread was my weakness! But, now getting my head around that I just can't do it, means a healthier me! Not to mention, I really think it would be far to painful to eat! Enjoy your day :)

Diary of a shrinking fat chick-chapter 11

So yesterday I weighed myself. I am up about 3/4 of a pound. I am hoping it is water retention! lol! Actually, it could be the switch from soft foods, to regular. Not exactly sure. I have been making this transition for a couple of weeks and it has been difficult. Just when you think one thing is ok, another thing starts the dumping syndrome. I haven't had a piece of bread for weeks. I had a hankering for a piece of toast the other night, and I toasted a pita and ate it. It took away the craving. Which I was extremely thankful for! I can't wait to get back to ruffage! Who would have ever thought someone would miss a salad so much! But I do! I have been taking it easy on spice thou, just because it seems to cause some dumping. I am reintroducing spices slowly. But the best part of my week, was putting on a pair of jeans that were from 11 years ago! They fit, I didn't have to lay down on the bed to do them up, and I could breathe when I wear them! I am looking forward to clearing out my closet next week!

I guess I just don't get it...

I know lately I have been kind of philosophical, but seriously, what is with people these days? Sometimes you just want to slap them! JUST KIDDING! I was driving today, I was signalling to turn left, at a four way stop, and clearly it was my turn to go, and the lady at the opposite stop sign, who came to a rolling stop, began to go. So I abruptly stopped and she then gave me the finger! I couldn't believe it! I thought seriously, go back to young driver's lady! I have been noticing this a lot more lately, as I have been a passenger lately, and Jeff has been the driver. Road rage sucks, but what is worse is the SIDEWALK RAGE! Which, happened today in front of my children's school! A smoker walking almost pushed a mother and her child into the snowbank, when they were trying to move to accommodate the other pedestrian. What ever happened to do on to others....

I heart you!

So today is that day, the one day of the year that everyone makes sure their significant other know that we love them. Actually, today is the day the florist, hallmark and fancy restaurants make a killing! On facebook today, someone had post a picture of yourself and significant other and state how long you have been together. I did that. But the other stuff, I didn't do! And I don't expect my husband to do. Here is why! One, it is far to expensive! We don't have that kind of cash, we are not the Rockefeller's. Two, we do it all the time as it stands! We always tell each other we love each other, if I want to buy him underwear I do, if I want to take him out for a nice dinner or vise versa, we do! Just because some attached a date to it, doesn't make it right. So I implore you to go out, and for next 364 days and tell your significant other you love them, you can't live with out them and spend time together! Don't wait for Valentine's Day!
PS: Jeff, I love you! You have been told several other times, but I thought you may want to hear it again!

If you can't say anything nice, please just close your gob!

I am making big changes in my lifestyle, as you well know! One is my outlook. I have been for weeks trying to see the brighter side of things, because at times (as we all can be) I am a pessimist. I have been trying to see the good in people and not see the bad. It is difficult sometimes! Yesterday when I was at work, I said something mean, I can't take it back, it was how I felt, but I still should have shut my gob! An injury is an injury! So for that I am truly sorry, I am going to close my chops! How many times thou are we stuck in that situation. Saying what we feel and then back tracking. I am not back tracking, I wish you a speedy recovery. I am going to extend you the courtesy of what I am hoping you extend to me, if you can't say something nice, please, just close your gob! World would be a better place!

Diary of a shrinking fat chick-chapter 10

So I weighed myself yesterday, down to 275lbs! That is offically the smallest weight I have ever been since the age of 16. Which for me is an incredible feat! On the other end of the scope, I have been feeling crappy the past week. Feminine issues, as my husband puts it! I was told last week, that I may need to have a hysterectomy in the very near future. The thought of this is kind of scary. Not knowing what is going to happen to your body when it is all said and done! So after my consult with my OB, we decided to try another avenue. We are going to try another IUD and if that doesn't work then an ablasion. If that fails we will go for the hysterectomy. I have had sometime to think about having a hysterectomy. I am done having children, so what does it matter. I think it is what it represents for a woman. My doctor only wants to do it I'd absolutely necessary. I have a friend who just had it done a few weeks back, and she has been so ill from it! Which is one of the biggest reasons I am going to try the other options first. I know I am heading in the right path! Now if I could just get this eating thing happening!!

Diary of a shrinking fat chick-chapter 9

Have you ever realised the restorative power of sleep. I sure did this week when deprivation kicked in! I have been getting a minimum of eight hours of sleep since having my surgery. I have always heard people talk about it, but now I am experiencing it, and guess what I love getting the sleep!!! But on Friday night, I went out with a friend, and returned home at 12:45. Went to get into bed, the hubby was all over the bed, got him moved over to his side, and then finally got into bed. Laid there and was unable to sleep. The last time I remember looking at the clock was 3:30! Addison woke me up at 7:30! 4 Hours!!! So Saturday, I had to attend a birthday party, got home at midnight, and again didn't fall asleep until 2:30. Up at 6:30 again with Addison. Lucky for me, Jeff showed me some mercy and got up with her and let me go back to bed, as the lack of sleep made me feel nauseous. So I went to bed at 9:30 last night, up at 7 this morning, and feel so much better! Sleep really makes you feel refreshed, and rejuvenated, as it should, isn't that it's job? I am going to make more of a conscience effort to get 7-8 hours a night! I guess I never really realized how much our bodies need it!

Diary of a shrinking fat chick-chapter 8

Well today seemingly was much smoother then yesterday. I didn't have any blockages and I attempted shovelling! lol! Was a snow day here in Barrie :). I did weigh in today, 278lbs. I am only down 3lbs since last week. At first I was a bit discouraged, but after some careful thought, I am just glad to be down some weight! I think back to the diets I had been on, and how discouraged I had been in the past. Even if I am down half a pound, I am going to be happy! I think of the discouraging times in the past. This is a lifestyle change, and I am changing, and that my friends is something to be proud of!

Diary of a shrinking fat chick-chapter 7

Wow the switch to soft solid foods has been difficult. I thought I would be able to tackle a piece of steak. NOPE! I was in agony! Even the other night at a friend's house, I thought a steamer meal would be ok, NOPE! It is tricky. I have been very much aware of what I am eating and trying to eat properly. Tonight, I asked Jeff to take me out for dinner. Which was great! It was a buffet, I made solid choices, but I didn't really think about the fat content of the food until I came home and could barely move. So I laid down for an hour, and a do feel much better. I think, tomorrow I am going to go through a make a meal plan and stick to it. Having food stuck is far to painful, and having the wrong kind of food hurts as well. I am also making a more conscience effort to drink more. I have been having some headaches, and I think it is due to not drinking enough. I am getting on track through, and isn't that the real goal?

What we have hear is a failure to communicate...

Why do some people think they are so much better then everyone else? Snapping fingers, bullying people, manipulating EVERYONE! I was told today that this person is a narcissist. COMPLETELY! Funny, this is the first person that wants you to feel sorry for them when things don't go exactly their way. This is the person who has to be the centre of attention anytime there is a gathering. What is even funnier, is this person seems to think the world revolves around them! It is so beyond frustrating! Why can't these type of people get that they may contribute to the world, but themselves and their needs are not the only things in the world? I have always attempted to try and see things from this person's eyes, but it can happen no longer. Each time I let it happen, I lose myself....

Diary of the shrinking fat chick-Chapter 6...Switch to soft solid foods!

Well, it is Tuesday, so my weigh in day! I am down to 281. Yahhhooo Me! I have started the switch to soft solid foods. So when I started to make the change, I went hole hog, and thought, I can eat what I like.  So Sunday night, we went to Jeff's parents for dinner. They ordered Chinese food. So I ordered a low fat, rice noodle side dish, and they ordered a dinner for 6. I decided with my noodle dinner, I perhaps would try a Chicken ball. First thing is I have learned my lesson! Second, did it ever hurt!!! I thought something was trying to collapse my chest from the inside out! I did end up throwing up, and was able to go back and eat after a short break. But I definitely won't be doing that again! I should have known better, it was FRIED! I thought, well a small piece won't hurt. Well guess what, it did!!! I know my new lifestyle choice is demanding, and that is what I signed up for! I know that it will be trial and error for a little while and I am OK with that. As long as I learn from the mistakes I make!

Reap what you sow...

When I was a kid I always heard these things that seemed wrong, but as I age most of those things are true. My Nan, always wanted us to be respectable people, and felt she would try and teach us these simple things. Some she applied in her own life, some seemed better in theory. One thing she always wanted was for us to get an education. She always felt like she didn't because of her choice to marry the love of her life at 16. She wanted us to be nice to others, and she wanted us to stand up for ourselves. Now these are some simple rules to live by. In raising my children, I am trying to add to this. One thing I am trying to teach them is positive brings positive, and negative brings negative. I am also trying to get my strong willed husband to see this as well.  It has been a bit of a daunting task, but well, it has been working. When I wake up every morning, even the mornings the kids are screaming their heads off or are fighting, I am thankful for the day that is set out before me. I try to put a positive swing to start the day, so the day isn't doomed from the beginning. Even if there are things that are going wrong through out the day, I again try to see the positive. My husband had now started putting this theory to the test, and guess what, things through out his day seem improved!
I heard this when I was 16. When you are stuck in a mud hole and it is raining, your stuck. But if your stuck in a mud hole and there is a stick your could get out. You reap what you sow...Sow negative attitude, you get negative response, sow a positive attitude, the options are endless!

Diary of the shrinking fat chick-Chapter 5

Why do we torture ourselves? Why do we set goals that are unattainable or unreachable. I know that personally, being on the diet roller coaster in the past, I have always said "I want to lose 50lbs." I have come to realize that it took so long to get to that goal, that I just gave up.  So I decided, for me to be successful with this surgery and life style change, that I need to start small. I know that statistically, people lose a lot of weight with having this surgery and change their life. But there is also quite a few stories of people gaining weight back and not being able to keep it off. So for me, I am not setting a definite goal.  What I am doing is encouraging myself, 10lbs at a time. If I can do that, I can keep my eye on the prize, instead of being discouraged!

What is with some people!

I realize from time to time, I can be opinionated. But, I don't want our opinions to be the same because you feel I am strong arming you.  Everyone has different opinion, and let's face it, if we didn't the world would be a boring place. Today, I saw a friend for what she was. At first I was hurt, I can't even pretend, I was a lot hurt.  She had been avoiding me for months, but then to be bi raided by her kind of ticked me off. To say we had nothing in common, there had to be a lot of acting then on her part. I invited this so called friend to a bbq I had last year, and she made no effort to speak to anyone, and then the next day called me to say what a crappy party it was, and that she would have had a better time at the party she was at. There were other things that had happened, but the truth is, she really wasn't a friend.  Sometimes in life we mix up our real friends for fillers. Now everyone starts as a filler, in my opinion, but after awhile you decide if this person is a stayer. I have a lot of stayers in my life. All of which I am thank ful for. Truth is, I am really not as hurt as I thought I was.  Time to dust myself off, and appreciate my stayers!

Diary of the shriking fat chick-Chapter 4

Wow, I try to write here everyday, but these past two weeks I haven't had much of an opportunity!  My laptop charger is not working, so I have to use the desk top in the basement, which I am avoiding, the basement not the desktop! So I have been feeling ok.  Tired thou. My husband has completely missed his calling thou! He should be a nurse or a phlebotomist! He had given me my tinzaparin injections everyday, and thank goodness that is finished! I am pretty bruised on both lower quadrants of my belly from these injections, but not his fault, they didn't hurt when he was giving them!!!  So weigh in at Surgery was 297.4 lbs.  Went to my follow up appointment and my weight today is 285.2 lbs. That is 12lbs in two weeks!  I have been really trying to stick the dietitican suggestions.  The first two weeks was a milk based diet, cream of wheat, creamed soups, yogurt, protein shakes.  I am having difficulty with the protein shakes right now.  Not exactly sure why, but maybe the heaviness of them.  I am going to buy a different flavor tomorrow and see how I make out.  Now I am on to the pureed diet.  Anyone who knows me knows, I can barely stomach the sight of a pureed diet!  Even at work, it grosses me out, so I am doing a minced food. I can better tolerate the sight of it. Just have to remember to chew.
I am horrible for taking medication.  But I have consistently remembered to take the multivitamin and previcid every day.  This week has been a busy one. Seeing the doctor this week, talking to the therapist, organizing. One thing I have also had to learn these past two weeks is to SIP! I was dying to thirst the other day and I gulped a big glass of water.  First the pain was horrible, and then it immediately came back up.  I have also had my first (and hopefully my last) experience with dumping syndrome.  I was eating some crackers, and I had one too many.  That was painful, and they didn't stay down either. 
This week I am going to take it easy and ease back into my usual routine. Next week I am going to start aqua fit again or walking.  I am learning things as I go, and I know it will be a life long process!

Please do what you say, or else I am going to snap!

Been couped up the past couple of weeks has maybe made me a little shack wacky, but I really don't like when people say something and don't follow through. Now, I know I am terrible for returning calls, I do try, but I am human and sometimes I forget. Now, again this a human error, and forgiving human error can be done quite easily. In saying that, my next statement will make you scratch your head, but don't call me and then text me and tell me your going to do something and then don't do it. I am ok with not having a visitor, or a phone call, but don't get my hopes up and then disappointment me. I have always made a practise with my children, I don't tell them unless it is going to happen. Lightens the disappointment. Maybe I am just sensitive because of my lack of socialization right now, but again, making promises you can't keep doesn't help anything either ;)

You have to excuse me, I am not at my best...

Well, Tuesday was d-day.  Got up at 5am and headed down to the big city. I have never said these numbers before, if I said them they became real.  At my first appointment, I weighed in at 341 lbs.  Which to me was incredible and discouraging.  So when I weighed in on Tuesday morning, I am down to 297.  All high numbers. After feeling embarrassed at first in front of the nurse, my feelings changed. I felt like I had made a small accomplishment.  After really thinking about it, I made a huge accomplishment.  Jeff reminded me that I need to not make light of little steps/accomplishment, that I should be excited for them!  He is completely right. I met with my surgeon, wearing the flatter hospital gown, went into the OR to have a conversation about the death of Micheal Jackson while they were putting out with Propenal! LOL!!!  After I woke up, I can't lie, I felt like crap!  I have been sore, but every day gets better.  Came home Thursday. My family has waited on me hand and foot! I am not going to get use to it thou! It has been a positive experience.  I am not doing this to be a bikini model. I am doing this to be healthy! If I weigh 150 lbs or 300 lbs, I know who I am, and that is an accomplishment to be proud of!

The holidays are over for another year!

Well I am not sure how anyone else's holidays were, but mine were great! There were a few bumps and bruises but all and all it was an awesome week! The biggest struggle this week was lack of food! I have been preparing for surgery, and only able to have shakes and salad.  I did have a bit of Christmas dinner, I also had a few snacks through out the holidays, but I really tried to stick to my prescribed diet.  I have found it easier not to eat if I stayed out of the basement, believe it or not!  Tuesday is the big day, hope every thing goes off with out a hitch!